there should be an "after-cry" make-up or something...

I just don´t know what´s wrong with me! Why am I not the one I used to be? things are the same, life is the same, my world did fall apart and then I got a new one from the ashes of the prior one but, life´s like that, Im very aware of that, but how come only the bad parts of me came with me to this new "world" of mine? ah? whre´s the strong, organized, set-to-the goal girl that I used to be? .... instead I´m just shadows and tears.

NOT WORTH READING SO JUST SKIP TO SOME OTHER POST, PLZ ---if anybody ever reads this stuff.... w/e

I was planning on making this post like my usual rants: a bunch of un-specific words related to how I feel, and by reading the first paragraph one could see  I was nailing it... but now, Im other, no Im the same boring me but right when I was finishing the first paragraph mom knocks on the door dressed as a dark angel -not literally, of course- and taking the word "dark" as an anticipation of bad news or similar to that.

Since this morning, actually before that, I´ve been sad because Im troubled. This month I won´t be paying my brand new house, nope, my salary is not enough, and by that I mean that the monthly pay of the house exceeds my salary but aprox 20% if Im practical it exceeds my budget by a 50% since I need to have money for gas and food at the very least and I have to have certain food for my diet else I just go and pass a night a the hospital. Why is healthy food so expensive??

Father and therefore mother thinks I dont get the solution because Im pretty much stupid and let go oportunities -ok they have never said Im stupid but that´s how what they say makes me feel- they just basically want me to get a loan from one of my bosses wich by the way just re-hired me two days ago.... if I do get that fucking loan I´d be not only paying it but also the mmmm what´s it called? mmm mortgage I think that I´d b also getting so... I´d be pretty much working my ass off to pay both of those things of course to keep that beautiful house in which I just cant live until the time I pay the full price of it because it´s too far from both my jobs and I cant quit them and find one close because I need the money to pay in the first place.

Why the heck did I get the house in the first place then? well, ´cause Im an idiot who apparently thinks too much of herself, quite simple... right. Actually supposedly I was going to be able to pay for it but turns out that business are like that, somehow the monthly pay is more than what it was supposed to be but of course there was the little print that was invisible who said that could happen and by "could" they meant it was going to happen... and well, Im alone, no one can help me, before I thought to ask help from my mother but, awesome, mom got fired from one of her jobs and she´s loaded with debts that father made her get into and father, I just can put my hopes on him, he´s been jobless for the past what? 3 or 4 years but of course he just has his "you should do this and that to get a better job" phrases but he seems unable to get one... which only add to my problems... awesome! mom cant pay for everything and the only other person working is me... so yeah, money comes from my wallet to pay for stuff  yet my father says he "doesnt know what I do with all the money I make"

God! I feel so useless and stupid and just down on the ground with the weight of the world -perhaps that´s an exaggeration though- but yeah, I shouldnt have taken that house, I dont know why I thought I was going to be able to make it, not with my carreer. I feel so guilty that I let my mom do some investments/renovations to it and now it might go to waste I feel so bad that father lost the downpayment money and the money that he spent to put furniture to my bedroom there... I feel so guilty that their big hopes and dreams and expectations they had of me are not going to become true because Im just too ulseless.... I guess they think too much of me thinking that I can do great things, that I can be settled at a young age and I guess I´ve dissappointed myself once again thinking that I can do more than what I actually can do.

I guess I´ll end up asking for that freaking loan to my boss, n I´ll feel totally embarrased, but Im going to try for them, for mom, and my boss probably will give it to me or not but in the end I just know in my heart that it wont work and there will be even more to loose and yet, without a thing to hold as the product of my work I´ll be unable to dissappear... yeah, such is life... living without actually living....

And somebody should create and "after-cry" make-up ´cause I need to make my eyes and my ugly nose seem as if I havent been crying, ´cause I have a meeting tomorrow... ´cause I had to go to the store and everybody saw my red eyes and ugly red nose.... but of course I have to embarrass myself like that showing how weak I am as well as make myself uglier with those swallow eyes that I will have tomorrow.

But I just want to drown in sadness, I guess Im hitting depression soon since lately I dont even want to get up from bed and I just want to sleep, I dont want to talk to anybody or see anybody, I dont even want to do the things that I like and inspiration rarely comes to me... but most of all I just dont want to listen that everything is going to be ok, that God is great and will help me, that there is a purpose to what´s going on, that I´ll become stronger due to this, that life´s gonna get better, I just dont want to hear shit like that because it´s not true, life is what it is. I dont want to hear that stuff that ppl say -n that I´ve said at times too- just to apeace others because it´s not true and I dont want to pretend that I think that way as well, I just dont want fake shit. I just want to sleep forever. And yeah, seeing the real me is kinda scary but w/e this is what it is... I´ve had enough of fake smiles and possitive thinking. That´s just useless shit.