out of make-up

once again, Im thinking that idea of creating an after-cry make-up thing lol ok, this time I dont need it so badly like before because I already had close to no hope this time...
I said I was not paying my house this month, I did, I went and ask how much was it and turns out they hadnt increased the monthly pay yet, idk, but surely next month they will -sigh-
Mom kept nagging me to ask for that loan to my afternoon boss, she hadnt been around to talk and I didnt want to ask her for that. Embarased, today I talked to her, she said no. I was close to no hope, I thought I had no hope but it seems I had a little bit and now, I have no hope.

I came home, while I was driving home I was crying, I made myself stop before comming home and my eyes were ok but mom noticesd... of course she did and of course she asked, even after I told her I didnt want to talk about it, she just kept asking and asking and asking and tears scaped my eyes. "Somebody must have rejected her" brother said -he was joking- "yeah, maybe that´s it" mom said. "That lezzy must have rejected her" he said again. "Ha! is that what happened -mom said- does it hurt to get rejected by a woman? I wouldnt know, since it´s all twisted who knows what´s the deal in that" --joking again? well, I dont care about their comments like that... "mom, it´s the same, feelings are the same, no matter if they´re directed towards a man or a woman..." I commented quietly. She kept asking me and looking at me straight to the eye.

"fine, fine -I said- I talked to my boss and she said no" more tears scaped my eyes, I was trying so hard not to cry.
"but why? what happened? what did she said?"  I wonder why does she feel that she has to ask me for reason that dont matter at all, the outcome was a "no" so what matters what happened in between specially if all that hurts me.
"please just take that answer, ok?, dont ask me more"   she didnt ask more but her eyes were piercing my face and  I know she wants to ask and she will eventually, she went downstairs where father was... and a few minutes later I hear her telling all that to my father, in the loudest voice ever. Nice, I thought, go around spreading my pain, talking about it to everybody, who cares if it hurts me? I wish she had at least be more quiet when telling him that so that I didnt have to listen... but no, things are never my way.

I told her, early, before she told her husband that I was quitting that, that I was not going to keep trying, that Im sorry for them loosing so much money and me loosing money on that but I just cant do it, that I shouldnt have paid this month because I could´ve used that money on me but she said to pay it and today again she said, that I must pay next month no matter the amount... than in a month we could have a solution... right... I dont have more time to get a third job, Im already working ten hours or something, my health is getting worse...Im tired and sad all the time I just cant do it and there´s no solution ,not for the ones like me... w/e seems like this is what it is...