Jealousy? me?

There´s someone that I care for a lot, a lot... At some point this one person and I became friends and we were close -I hope we still are as close as before- it´s been periods of time with no talk at all... at times it seems that we have nothing to say anymore but it´s not true, at least my mind, as always, is boiling with tons of thoughts that my mouth just can´t form in spoken words and somtimes that´s extended to my fingers... I can´t even write anymore and to say a simple "hello" or a more meaningful "I´ve missed you a lot"...

At times I see a few conversations... geez I must be some kinda stalker... yeah, I´ve read that someone´s wall on fb and conversations that are not mine... I have thoughts on it and I could just jump into them and I don´t think this one person would kick me out of it but I just can´t... there´s something that stops me... the thing is that I just feel hurt when I see this, a dear person for me being so familiar with other people, people that by any means is bad people, they´re good people, but I want  it too. I feel a bit childish for that and that just adds to that weird inability of mine to say things. I have tons of things to say but I just wonder "what if this person doesn´t care? is this or that thought too silly?" and so on... what is wrong with me? words -at least written- used to be so easy for me ... ok, I know, I´m just shy and though I care, talking first is not an easy thing to do even if I know I´m cared for... Things should be easy and I shouldn´t feel ignore or less close to my friend because I still care and my friend must still care... if not at least a little for sake of memories...

Am I jealous??! I cringed at the idea of that and the first time I was asked that about this particular topic my answer was a big NO NO but I was and I am but it is awfully hard to admit specially for someone who claims that doesn´t like people, for someone that claims she´s cold and heartless -oh, there´s still some heart there... I guess I´m jealous and it´s weird to admit, I´m only saying it this time and I would never, ever, ever post this one thing...

but...

I want to show some other very important friend that...

she is not alone...

there´s this other nutty -oh, my I love that, sounds so much like a candy :) - that feels the same way even if she -I´m talking of myself ok? (just don´t stare at me)- seems to be a bit absent at times or less caring... that´s just what life does to her but

ok, I´m making this too long... I ramble too much...so let´s cut to the chase

my point is, it´s ok to feel hurt and like this, it´s a bit crazy but even that is part of who we are and it shows that we care and it doesn´t mean we can´t change it... a simple hi might look scary for someone like us...
but you see, I´m taking a first step, a huge one because I´m opening my mind/soul here telling something I just wouldn´t admit...

did it make sense what I wanted to do? probably not... I´m no good at these things -sigh-
oh well, I tried
it´s the thought that counts

you see, once again, I´m feeling very shy about this and I have to try and make myself feel that it´s ok, that it doesn´t matter

oh, well
I´ll just stop now