I´m scared

I´m scared and the tears have made a pool of my eyes and I can´t cry, I have to go to work tomorrow, I can´t afford having ugly eyes for everyone to stared at me more than what they already do without it. I see myself in the mirror and there´s a tear that went out of my eyes and down my cheek, I don´t want to cry and my brains reminds me that tears are a way to realise some chemicals that are in our brains that makes us sad or so said some scientist according to the book I´m reading, "The Cry; a philosophical, antropological, biological and historical study" I just asked my boss to lend it to me to see if I could do something about crying....or not crying... I also remember that people with severe depression is unable to cry, so me crying can´t be completely bad from that point of view... but in any way I see it, it still doesn´t feel good. Tears have been overproduced by my eyes because I¨m scared -and because I´m a human, humans are the only animals that can produce tears because of feelings as a psichological manifestation and not just a biological one- and I´m scared because I have my dreaded doctor´s appointment this Thursday. It´s not much of an appointment, well it is, but just to get tested... my doctor sent me to the Oncology hospital.... I´m just getting a test, if I was sent there it must mean she suspected I might have....but this is just a test and it doesn´t mean it´s true or that it´ll be possitive but I don´t know if I´m more afraid of it being possitive or of it being negative because that will mean they still don´t know what´s wrong with me after so many months, after so much pain and I just can´t pray... and I just can´t tell this all, who would I tell? my family? they´ll be crushed if they knew how I really felt and I can´t pray because I don´t know what to say, I´ve asked for the pain to go away, it´s still there, for the pills to work, the pain´s still there, for the doctors to find out what it is...so far they've say I´ll b like this forever because this might be something I was born with  and the pain will be there and they can´t tell when it´ll end. I don´t want to pray for the test to be negative because that´ll mean I don´t know what it is or more accurate, it´ll mean that maybe the other doctor was right and I´ll feel like this untill the day I die but I can´t stop being afraid of it being possitive not because I might die, I really don´t mind that at all but because I know my loved ones won´t let me go easily.
I can´t keep going like this, I´m cranky and sad and mad and scared all the time and I can´t help but to notice how everybody stares at me when I walk into places, who wouldn´t look at a person with crutches and no cast? and even worst as young as I look? and at work people steal glance I know they must be wondering how it´s been so long and even some comment about it, it hurts me so much, I´ve lived every second of it.

my happy pills are gone, the ones that are supposed to make me feel better in the head... they must´ve helped, I look pretty normal, I do everything I´m supposed to do...I even smile and laugh for real at times... I see the baby and feel a great love inside but then it´s just me and the pain and the fear and the hopelesness. I was taught to believe that God is always by my side no matter the circumstance and I believe but it´s so very hard to believe when I feel abandonned or maybe even forgotten and I remember how it´s said that when you feel most alone... well, it´s not like that, God is there but how to feel ok and comforted by that when I feel this way? and I´ve felt that He isn´t anwering my prayers before, when our family was destroyed but back then I had my mother and my brother, we could lean on the other because each one of us understood, I´m in this alone and ofc I don´t want them to feel this way, I rather have than to see someone of the ones I love with it, but it leaves me ....

I told my boss I was going to b late on Thursday because of that appointment, the way she saw me....I could have started to cry right there just for that...

I´m scared and it´s a stupid feeling, we only developed it through evolution as a way to survive, this fear won´t help me to survive but it plots together with the pain to hinder my life. I´m not sure what I´m most afraid of... the test being possitive or negative.