Fallen angel

Chapter 6***RealizatioN***

Once, I remember, Julia and I were talking. Ayon wasn’t there. She said that since I was getting busier and busier with every passing day at my job, so much that I couldn’t see Ayon as much as before and she was no longer his “girl” –we had this talk after they broke up, before she started dating some one else. They were only friends by this time-  she said, that this other girl, Regi-a new acquantaince of the three of us-, was going to be there for him.

“I don’t like her” I said without thinking “not her” I continued.

“why not” she asked curiously.

“I don’t like her” I said again without thinking.

“are you jealous?” she said, suspicion in her voice.

-thump- my heart skipped a beat. I hadn´t stopped to think in what she might have infered from my words… I hadnt been thinking at all.

“that can´t be” I said, trying to sound rational and calm

“I´m not saying that way” she said, really meaning the opposite “friends get..”

“no, they they don’t” I interrupted her “friends can´t get jealous of friends…”

I don’t really remember the rest of the conversation but that part of it kept me awake the whole night. Was I jealous of Regi? After many moons with the thought I got to the conclussion that I was but only because she got to be so much around him and I couldn’t do it anymore. Sometimes she even came and iterrupted my time with Ayon. Of course he didn’t thought the same way and I was not going to say anything about that. I just sucked it up.

He had met Regi in the park. She used to follow me but of course at a time when I wanted nothing with anybody. I just couldn’t become her friend at the time and I got to dislike her for following me so much. Now she was following Ayon, actually that started some time after he met Julia, when they were dating. Julia liked Regi. Regi liked Ayon and she was after him. Ayon knew but had not any interest or feelings towards her, in fact, I could say  that his demon side came out with her. When she annoyed him too much he could almost be mean to her but she didn’t seemed to care, of course I felt some kind of relieve when I saw he didn’t consider her at all in a romantic way. They´re still friends. I try to be polite with her but sometimes I just cant, sometimes even he makes fun of her, his evil side, I guess, but she doesn’t give up. She holds on to her feelings for him.

Shiloe appears some times challenging him. He is still undercover. Only HE, the devil, Julia, Regi and I know the truth about him. Ayon is getting a bit stronger in resisting Shiloe but his true nature keeps coming out and something strange is growing inside my heart…denial… I´ve been sighing without reason. Sighing without apparent reason I meant.

Some days I felt gloomier than ever before. I dint know why. Those days I was more sad, mad, tired. I was with a lost stare most of the time. Some other days I was happier, livelier, smiling the whole time, energetic, better. I didn’t know what was the reason of these mood swings.

One day in wich I was particularly sad, a thought, my own voice sounded in my head “don’t you miss me?” it sounded sad and slowly in my mind, it was a weird thing for me to think, to whom I was asking that? It had been months since I hadnt feel like talking to my family in my thoughts, I had accepted their death a while ago, beside them I had no one to want to talk to, beside them there were no one for me to miss, or to be missed by.

“Ayon” and then again “Ayon”, “Ayon” “Ayon, don’t you miss me?”. It was almost a week since the last time I had seen him. We had have no communication. As soon as a realized to whom I was asking the question I got really desperate. I wanted to see him but my schedule was full of stupid meetings. I wanted to talk to him but when I was about to press the call button my mind went blank and I couldn’t think of anything to tell him and it seemed silly to only say something like

“hi”

“hi” he surely would echo me

“how are you?”

“fine” he never said nothing more to that question

“…” and then silence, I would get mute.

No, I couldn’t talk to him. Then I thought in texting him but everything that I texted seemed  incredibly shallow. I was about to send the text when I thought why on earth would he want to know that? Or anything I might say…I erased the message over and over. I ended up not sending nothing and feeling more desperate than before.

Since I couldn’t see him or call him or text him I wished with all my heart that he called or texted me. The silliest of all options. Sometimes out of casualty, I guess, he texted me and I felt happy and my desperation desapeared, some other times –because this started to happen quite often- he didn’t called or texted and I whished so much for him to do it, repeating in my thoughts “please, text me, please, call me, listen to me, Ayon, please, I miss you, I´m bored here…” I repeated that over and over. Sometimes, like that day, I endep up falling asleep.

At the beginning I hadnt make the connection between the days that I saw Ayon and my happy mood and the days that I didn’t see him and my gloomy mood. One day it just occurred to me that he could be the reason. I didn’t want to believe so but it didn’t matter because it still happened. I decided to ignore the reason. It worked but only when I was awake, when I was conscious but many times in my sleep I could find myself thinking about him. I would dream of him without realizing it. He started to be the first thought in the morning when I woke up and he was the last thing in my head when I fall asleep. He owned my dreams most of the times. At first I was just surprised for this behaviour of mine then I started to feel annoyed with myself, then I was upset because the thoughts wouldn’t go away! Finally I decided not to do anything about them.

 Somehow…sometimes I even humor them. At night when I was half sleep, half awake I would think on Ayon and instead of stopping myself I started to imagine we were talking like we used to, of course I imagined his answers, the same would happen in some mornings, specially in cold ones. This was my secret. No one knew. Sometimes I felt guilty when I was fully awake not because I thought so much about him but because I used him, his image, I put words in his mouth, I used him in my fantasies. So, for example, when I was cold and that had awoken me in the middle of the night I would think that he was by my side and that I got closer to him looking for his warm skin. I dreamt that he hugged me and smiled his half-arrogant smile. I dreamt that I buried my face into his chest and then I fell asleep… indeed that happened, well the falling asleep part only. I felt my self getting insane. I think I was getting insane…I guess I´ve gotten insane already.

One day he was called back to heavens, he had to fake being an angel, of course, he had been called by his family. He went away and we didn’t get in touch for a while, almost an eternity to me. I felt so lonely without him. My thoughts intoxicated me. He was all the time in my mind. Ayon, Ayon, Ayon the demon, the fallen angel. I would listen to our conversations in my head over and over, they were sort of carved in my brain, maybe they were a confort to me, and listening to them was a way to confort myself. Ayon, Ayon…