Fallen angel

chap 8***DreaminG***

My work, the company owned by parents before they were gone, is taking all my time. I hardly see Ayon now, that makes me sad. Not being able to be with him is so sad. I become gloomy and when I miss him that much my brain compensates by dreaming with him.

Last night I dreamt we were close and he was telling me something I can´t recall. This image,  I woke up with his image in my head and the feeling in my skin of the last time we hugged. I don’t know why I feel like telling this to him, but I guess it would be strange that I, being his friend, dream so frequently with him and no body else, only him, so to avoid any suspicion I just kept it to me, but now I wish I could talk to him, I don’t really have anything to say and actually so much to share with him. I must be crazy and some days I´m just crazier, on those days I just wish, I long for him to feel the same way about me. I miss him. I´ve been missing him a lot lately…

I was seated in some stairs in the usual park. It was four or five pm, the weather was nice, not hot, not cold either. The trees were dancing to the wind. The one I was thinking came with a smile and a bit blushed face.

“Hi, Eimi” Ayon said looking into my eyes briefly.

“hello” I said softly.

He sat next to me. There was silence then, not an unconfortable one, but neither of us said  a thing. I rested my head on his shoulder, then I closed my eyes.

“I´m so damn tired of those meetings” I said and sighed. “I never expected to work there… there are so many things to do and averyone seem to be against me, like saying `she shouldn’t be here in one of the most powerful positions, she hasn’t earn anything`… as if I asked for  it…”

“be strong” he said. Not what I have expected at all but he wasn’t good for conforting people consciously –even being an angel-  so he would only say things like ´be strong´or ´hold  in there´ but it was ok, I wasn’t good at conforting either. He leaned his head and touched mine with his. That gesture was much more of a confort than his previous words. I smiled. We were in silence for another moment.

“would you be my friend no matter what?” he asked, lifting his head.

“of course, you will always be my favorite” I said, still with my head on his shoulder.

“I like you” he said

“I know, I like you too, that´s why we are friends, isn´t it?”

“yeah.. but I like you more than that” My heart skipped a beat “I´ve tried to fight against it but  I can´t, I´ve tried to do everything to erease that feeling but I can´t…I can´t keep it to myself either, not anymore”

I was speechless and my heart was pounding. I lifted my head and saw him for a moment. I met his gaze. He was flushed. His eyes sincere and firm. I looked away. This was the moment I had been longing but also the moment I had been fearing and despising.

“you like me? Me? Romantically? Why?” I couldn’t avoid to ask. I said it without looking at him. I couldn’t make myself look at him but I couldn’t find a reason for him to like me like that either. My eyes were wet, tears had started to come out without my permission. He stood up and moved to face me, kneeling on the lower step, the prior from the one I was seated. My eyes were looking down, the tears were like a stream coming down my face. He didn’t touch me.

“I do like you romantically, as you said, I love you Ei. I do not need to have a reason for that but I have reasons. I love you because…”

He didn’t finish his sentence maybe because there were no reasons for him to love me or maybe because my brain couldn’t place words in his mouth.

The alarm clock woke me up. It all had been a dream, despite that I knew, during my dream, what the answer to his words were –the one that my brain and desires had put in his mouth to say- I was his already I was going to yield to him. He didn’t even need to say nor ask for it. It was a dangerous feeling because in my heart I kenw I was going to ditch everything, even myself for him. I cant help to move my own head dispprovingly because I sound so much like the women´s I dislike, giving up even themselves to be with a guy that –as most of the times- will end up hurting and messing them up. I sound so mcuh like them. I wonder if we are the same. There´s a saying that declares `all men are the same` I kind of believe it, but maybe it applies to women too, maybe sooner or later we all become the same. How awful! From that point of view it is good that all of this is only in my head and I´m the only one who knows about it… however in my craziest, lonely nights I feel like telling it all to him.

I think I will loose him though, I feel he would go away from me if I were to tell him. I would make him uncomfortable and he would hurt me by rejecting me. I can´t loose him, not him, the one who saved me from darkness when I needed it the most –even though he didn’t do it consciously or so he says. Somehow he knows everything about me and at the same time knows me so little. All this time he is the one that has been in my mind, he was the one I wanted to talk to earlier this day while for some reason I started to shed tears for my lost family. I wanted his confort but of course I didn’t call  him. I don’t want to bug him. If he were to call me in the middle of the night or way too early in the morning I would gladly answer him, wich I have when he has done so, and I guess he may do the same for me… I just don’t want to test that theory. I wonder if I give him too little credit.

Ayon, Ayon, Ayon, my fallen angel. Mine…

Tears keep coming down my eyes, like in my dream, that had been the only real part, the tears in my face…