Fallen angel

Chapter 7***LockeD***

I´ve realized that I like him, not like a friend but like a woman likes a man. I like him in a romantic way. It has taken me forever to say that, to admit it. Now I don’t know what to do with that truth. I don’t think it would be wise of me to tell him, besides I´m way too coward for such a thing. Sometimes I feel like he might have the same feelings for me but I´m sure that´s just my imagination. The bright side of this all, is that it doesn’t cause me pain, some uneasiness maybe but not unbearable pain, most of the times, that is, and at least my mind keeps those feelings locked while being with him though he may feel that I´m a little distant because of that.

Only today, the first time ever… We had have lunch, only the two of us –he ditched his company to be with me, wich made me a little happier- we had finished. He was telling me something and suddenly I found myself sinking in the depth of his eyes. I was no longer listening but I was watching his face, studying his lips, thinking how beautiful they are, that thought brought me back. I blinked twice or so, smiled and then I moved my sight to the folliage of the trees “oh my!  What am I doing?!” I asked myself in my thoughts. It was a first. I really hope that he hadn´t realize… maybe not because I´ve stared at him before though that time my intention was to look into his through, his eyes, he got unconfortable and asked me to stop while blushing a little but this time I was just day-dreaming while looking at him. Now I knew that somehow but more than his “shell” as he calls his body, I like his spirit, his soul, his mind, his energy, who he truly is. My feelings are beyond any labels or classifications. It doesn’t matter if he is a demon or a man or an angel I just like Ayon. Of course he is a demon and that fact won´t ever change but it is just not a decisive point for me. My heart has set on him despite that and I know I should feel guilty for saying and feeling so but I just don’t… but of course that doesn’t imply  that I´ll do something about it.

“what about you? Would you be after me if I were a man?” he said once to me. We were having a conversation on how many girls were after him due to his looks, I guess, of course non of them knew he was a demon, a being capable of ending their lives with a thought, only I knew but I also knew as he had said many times before that he could never look at me that way.

“no” I said  “I probably wouldn’t even be friends with you if you were a human, don’t you know how antisocial I am?” I said rolling my eyes “so I like you better the way you are…”

I wonder sometimes if he meant to imply something not only with that question but also with him saying reapeatedly the words “it could never be you”, so much that I wondered if he felt like convincing someone, I was convinced though, but he pressed on the subject, on the sentence. Some other comments that felt so…so different, but I´ve always ended up thinking it is all in me.

I´ve given some thought to what  I want with this, to what I might want to happen. I´ve reached the conclussion that if he ever were to have romantic feelings towards me and he told them to me –he is strange on saying his feelings… sometimes he just say them so freely but sometimes he imprison them in his heart, which causes him pain but in the end he put them out, only after a battle with himself about the consequences, always the same: loosing someone important- if he were to have feelings for me and if he were to tell them to me it would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me but it would also be the best of all things that could ever happen to me, both at the same time. My heart and mind would be tear appart because I would like to be his and have him but I would also feel guilty as if I would be dishonoring the person I´ve loved the most.

Mom, she was my beloved one, my everything. The memory of her is the most important thing to me, my most precious possession. She hated demons whole heartedly. She had known one who hurt her so she hated them and I feel that if I ever were to be with one I might be dishonoring her, I would be betraying her. I still think she is with me. I even talk to her as we used to, it feels like she is there. I can feel her approving voice when I do something good or her disapproving eyes when I do something wrong, like not going to the tiresome meetings. I am sure now that she is here with me, after all, I hang out with a demon almost all the time so how could I doubt about her soul being near me as she promissed she would be…

How could I let her know I have feelings for Ayon, a demon, even my eyes fill with tears with the thought of her getting mad at me, of her stopping to love me, it just crushes me. If I were to tell her I´m sure she would vanish me from her heart. I would be an outcast, no longer her daughter…the worst thing that has happened to me has been to get to care about him, to get to love him; however, I don’t want to go away from him. I want to have him near, sometimes I feel the urge to have him only for me. Some part of me feels this is the best thing that has happened to me because he makes me smile, he eased my pain, he has been an angel to me.

Like echo, mother´s voice sounded in the back of my head  “despicable, that´s how they are” she usde to say. She despised them though she didn’t know not every demon is the same. Each on of them prefers to deal only with one type of sin, so there are demons for the vanity, others for lust and so on.  The ones with more power, the princes, could do as many as they want but they too prefer only one type of sin. Ayon, as demon, has one type too. He has or prefers arrogance in the form of comptent for rules. I guess it´s that way because he has fallen after disobeying the rules of not falling in love with a demon. He restrains himself, though, he tries not to overdo his temptations so people have the opportunity to surpace the prove, still he does no more thatn use what they give to him, their own thoughts and feelings. I wonder if I am not one of those persons…since mom rules said “no demons” I, by being with him –the guy that was forbiden for me- I am being proved to commit the sin of breaking the rules… thought in a way I´ve already broken it since I already love him, it´s just that it is not noticeable and probably will never be.