wandering **5: chatting

Her mother knocking at her door woke Anna up, she opened her eyes and unlocked the door, her mother came in along with her perfume, so characteristic of her. Anna remembered, just a year ago, when her mother came in they hugged, her mother gave her a kiss or carresed her cheeck now she only talked to her to check again the daily activities, the schedule. Anna blaimed that painful change to the new marriage of her mother. Anna burried herself under the blanket, she didnt want to get bitter so early in the morning.
"will you go to school today?"
"mh"
"in the afternoon? what time will you leave?"
"mmm..." she started to think, there was no other option but to wake up for real, she had to check her schedule. She told her mother the daily agenda, then, her mother, left the room. "one more day..." Anna said to herself and sighed. Suddenly she remembered the tale her innervoice told her the night before. A sharp feeling of guilt went through her "how can I do that? there must be something wrong with me, Im sure I`m the only one who does this kind of stuff, maybe I`ve gotten mad, mental, maybe I`m getting schizophrenic" there had been some people in her family with that desease, she was scared of getting that but once she was talking to her inner voice, she didnt really care about it, she was too addicted to her own tales.

Her day was like any other day, except for the sun that seemed to be chasing her, but then, that wasnt real maybe only something she wanted to see to avoid thinking about the monotony of her life, today is just like yesterday and the day before and the day before: classes, taking notes, asking questions, comment, en of classes, next class, home where she didnt seemed to be noticed, where everything was staying still as if the time wasnt going by. A monotonous life on the outside, on the inside, in Anna`s innerself every day was different because her tales and fantasies danced around her mind all the time, if there was no tale to tell, her voices were there always chatting and fighting and making peace again and again.
"I feel lonely, I think I need someone to keep me company" Anna said
"you dont need anybody! -her inner voice scolded- arent you enough for yourself? you know we cant trust in people, there no one who we can trust on, they always let us down" the inner voice said with a tinge of sadness
"really? do you really think there`s no one worth of our trust?"
"yes I do, you know very well how pople had let us down, how people has made us cry, how they`ve wanted to take advantage of us, how can I let you feel that miserable again?"
"I know..." Anna sighed
"you see, that`s enough reason to keep our distance, to keep your heart to yourself"
"to myself? to myself only?" Anna asked again knowing her innervoice answer already
"yes, even your father has betrayed you, he`s the one`s who`s supposed to keep you safe and he hasnt done it, he`s the one`s who`s supposed to take care for you and we know nothing of that, or, am I wrong?"
"no, you`re right but maybe we`re making it bigger than it really is, I mean, just because he does or doesnt do something, it doesnt mean Im going to take it as if he was the whole world, he`s not that important"
"do you really think, Anna, that the rest of the world is better than him? better than your mother who changes you for his new hubby?"
"no -Anna sighed- no they`re probably the same... but..."
"but you still want to find someone that cares, someone to trust, that`s what you were going to say right?" said the inner voice "and you are supposed to be ther rational voice here" both laughed not really feeling amused
"right, right, just a thought, we`re only starting to live" Anna said, forgetting she was talking to herself
"yeah and ...well, if we feel like trusting in someone, we`ll do it together, when it feels right" the inner voice said, it was as if it was smiling
"obviously -Anna said rolling her eyes- we`re the same person"
"yes, we are but so far you are in control, but you know very well I cant take over you" her inner voice teased
"are you saying you`re stronger than me?"
"no, Im just saying you can get tired"
"you`re going to make me go weak, tired?" Anna asked
"I know it`s no good for us that you brake away, because you`re the one who looks stronger, but it`s ok we have a good system as it is, after all you end up doing what I want, and dont try to deny it, in the end I win, not as loud as I wish but it`s as good as it`s going to get, I dont complain" the inner and overly-emotional voice said
"are we feeling better now?" Anna smiled
"mh"
"we dont need anybody" Anna said
"we dont need anybody" the inner voice echoed
and that was the end of he talk with herself while she was on the bus back home. Before getting off the bus she looked around to the other passengers, they were looking her with a weird look and she realized that maybe she had been muttering words, she smiled to herself.
That night she was exhausted but it was a "delicious" type of exhaustion, the type that makes one enjoy the feeling of the bed against your skin. She slowly closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling, it had been a long time since she had felt that she was going to sleep well....

***I hope I didnt make too many mistakes... I was freaking out b/c I thought I had lost my notebook, where Im writing this but gladly I found it, finally I`ve gotten a little time to write a little but... I`m being nagged to go n help at the kitchen ¬¬ 

again with nothing...

for my one line journal, again, Im with nothing to say =/ for this week  I`ve been up and down, really it`s like Im in a boat that`s been hit by the ocean waves but -n here it comes my one line journal thing-: AT LEAST I STILL HAVE DREAMS N DRAYDREAMING idk if it`s just making things worst but imagining things happen it`s an ok thing to do, I think...

0_0 it`s been less than a week n I already abandoned my one line journal!! shame on me!! *laughs* I have an excuse though: I dont know what to write!! is it that Im not happy or  grateful for anything?? maybe I´m ungrateful w/life.

Ah, yesterday there was rain, rain is good, I guess that can be the line for yesterday: Rain! and my song for boasting my faith hahaha which basically says "I`ll believe, I`ll believe (that everything will b ok)"
For today..well I`m bored but there`s something I need to do that I wont, at leats not today or tomorrow or maybe tomorrow haha

That`ll be my line for today "I can think of tomorrow, I can plan that I`ll see/talk to you tomorrow, `cause you`re still around" cool! *laughs*

-this things r way longer than a line right?? lol

too much

I think way too much about things that`s the reason of my lack of spontaneity. What if ...? what if...? those words make me waver and fall. Why is it that I cant never say with accurate words what I want to say? why do  I have to play with words and make riddles all the time?... riddles that end up losing myself, losing truth, losing faith.

one line journal

Two or three day ago I read about this project, "The Happiness Project" I shouldnt be talking about it since Im not completely inform about it but, what I do know I liked. Here´s what I understood of it: it´s a project to make this year a happy year, all done by doing different mmm activities, like having a milestone book, vids n other stuff, but the one that I read was about keeping a one line journal or one sentence journal so that you can remember what´s good about the day. The day I read it I was happy, so I thought it was a good idea, yesterday it was an ok day so again I thought it was a good idea...today... well... it hasnt been a bad day but...*sigh* idk Im starting to get that feeling of not being happy... so today it doesnt seem like a good idea but, also in the reading it said that not every happy day feel likes a happy day I didnt understand that but maybe its related to make the day a happy day -I´ve just realized I used the word "but" way too much ¬¬-
I´ll do my best to keep my one line journal -this was the introduction of it hahaha more than one line, I know but it´s me after all, and I just cant help to write a lot once I´ve started.

since I alreday have 3 lines, I´ll write all them then in this post

1- -the firts day- I said what I wanted to say, for once, and it felt sooo good
2- A productive day, I´m alive!

3- There´s music to get me through the day

Wandering **4: telling tales

Today the sun seemed to be chasing after her, Anna was lying down over the grass and after a moment the sun was right above her face, she moved, again, and this time she opened her arms completely, making a cross with her body, she closed her eyes for a while but again, there was the sun right above her face "the sun`s chansing me today" she thought. It felt that way for her; even at sunset she could felt the red sun rays, it was weird or maybe not, "it might be all just a coincidence, you know" her inner voice said.

That night she woke up again in the middle of the night. When she realized she was awake she growled "dont think about anything, just go back to sleep!" it was too late, she was awake already.
She remembered a face, she remembered the ghost of a name, the faint scent of someone, "someone" who that was? she knew she knows that "someone" she`s not completely awake to tell who is it but she feels stupid for having the thought. Her inner voice was awake too "dont feel stupid maybe there`s someone thinking about you too" Anna wanted to believe that but she just couldnt "you know, as much as I do, that it is not possible... for some reason that someone is in my thoughts even before Im totally awake, I just wish I could remember the name..." her inner voice stayed quiet for a while then said "it`s true, probably no one think about us and smile at the thought of our name but it doesnt mean we cant dream a little" the inner voice smirked "let me tell you a story ok? dont say no Anna, after all is not like it`s real.
The answer was going to be "no" but both of them loved the stories of that dreamy and fearless inner voice. "The same "someone"? " Anna asked to her inner voice
"you already know the answer to that question, that someone that invades our brains like narcotic, untraceable narcotic..." Anna payed attention to her inner-voice whispers "listen to this, Anna" it said " a soft soft breeze, the leaves playing music for you, a calm place, you`re sat with "someone" there are no words between you too but your skin communicates, your fingers caressing his hands..."
"what are you saying??!!" Anna interrupted the inner voice "I dont like it `my fingers caressing his hands?!` I wouldnt do that!"
"no you wouldnt but you`d like to, if not, the thought of it hadnt occurred to me -the inner voice laughed- if you were a bit more daring you know you`d do it"
"shut up!"
"oh, you know I`m right, Anna! now, let me finish ok?"
both voices stayed quiet for a bit, thinking perhaps
"your fingers caressing his hands, electricity through your fingers, hands, through all your skin -Anna was able to feel what the inner voice was describing and little by little she was wandering in her own reverie- he turned to look at you. <> 
<
The scene was filled with midst and the inner-voice tale got to an end, the images got blurred, slowly, Anna had fallen asleep, with the lullaby of her own voice.

purple flower

 

I took this picture some day, recently, it was one of those days in which I, for once, try to think there`s still goodness in the world, and there is, these tiny flowers are prove of that -even if they`re not so noticeable most of the times.