wandering **5: chatting

Her mother knocking at her door woke Anna up, she opened her eyes and unlocked the door, her mother came in along with her perfume, so characteristic of her. Anna remembered, just a year ago, when her mother came in they hugged, her mother gave her a kiss or carresed her cheeck now she only talked to her to check again the daily activities, the schedule. Anna blaimed that painful change to the new marriage of her mother. Anna burried herself under the blanket, she didnt want to get bitter so early in the morning.
"will you go to school today?"
"mh"
"in the afternoon? what time will you leave?"
"mmm..." she started to think, there was no other option but to wake up for real, she had to check her schedule. She told her mother the daily agenda, then, her mother, left the room. "one more day..." Anna said to herself and sighed. Suddenly she remembered the tale her innervoice told her the night before. A sharp feeling of guilt went through her "how can I do that? there must be something wrong with me, Im sure I`m the only one who does this kind of stuff, maybe I`ve gotten mad, mental, maybe I`m getting schizophrenic" there had been some people in her family with that desease, she was scared of getting that but once she was talking to her inner voice, she didnt really care about it, she was too addicted to her own tales.

Her day was like any other day, except for the sun that seemed to be chasing her, but then, that wasnt real maybe only something she wanted to see to avoid thinking about the monotony of her life, today is just like yesterday and the day before and the day before: classes, taking notes, asking questions, comment, en of classes, next class, home where she didnt seemed to be noticed, where everything was staying still as if the time wasnt going by. A monotonous life on the outside, on the inside, in Anna`s innerself every day was different because her tales and fantasies danced around her mind all the time, if there was no tale to tell, her voices were there always chatting and fighting and making peace again and again.
"I feel lonely, I think I need someone to keep me company" Anna said
"you dont need anybody! -her inner voice scolded- arent you enough for yourself? you know we cant trust in people, there no one who we can trust on, they always let us down" the inner voice said with a tinge of sadness
"really? do you really think there`s no one worth of our trust?"
"yes I do, you know very well how pople had let us down, how people has made us cry, how they`ve wanted to take advantage of us, how can I let you feel that miserable again?"
"I know..." Anna sighed
"you see, that`s enough reason to keep our distance, to keep your heart to yourself"
"to myself? to myself only?" Anna asked again knowing her innervoice answer already
"yes, even your father has betrayed you, he`s the one`s who`s supposed to keep you safe and he hasnt done it, he`s the one`s who`s supposed to take care for you and we know nothing of that, or, am I wrong?"
"no, you`re right but maybe we`re making it bigger than it really is, I mean, just because he does or doesnt do something, it doesnt mean Im going to take it as if he was the whole world, he`s not that important"
"do you really think, Anna, that the rest of the world is better than him? better than your mother who changes you for his new hubby?"
"no -Anna sighed- no they`re probably the same... but..."
"but you still want to find someone that cares, someone to trust, that`s what you were going to say right?" said the inner voice "and you are supposed to be ther rational voice here" both laughed not really feeling amused
"right, right, just a thought, we`re only starting to live" Anna said, forgetting she was talking to herself
"yeah and ...well, if we feel like trusting in someone, we`ll do it together, when it feels right" the inner voice said, it was as if it was smiling
"obviously -Anna said rolling her eyes- we`re the same person"
"yes, we are but so far you are in control, but you know very well I cant take over you" her inner voice teased
"are you saying you`re stronger than me?"
"no, Im just saying you can get tired"
"you`re going to make me go weak, tired?" Anna asked
"I know it`s no good for us that you brake away, because you`re the one who looks stronger, but it`s ok we have a good system as it is, after all you end up doing what I want, and dont try to deny it, in the end I win, not as loud as I wish but it`s as good as it`s going to get, I dont complain" the inner and overly-emotional voice said
"are we feeling better now?" Anna smiled
"mh"
"we dont need anybody" Anna said
"we dont need anybody" the inner voice echoed
and that was the end of he talk with herself while she was on the bus back home. Before getting off the bus she looked around to the other passengers, they were looking her with a weird look and she realized that maybe she had been muttering words, she smiled to herself.
That night she was exhausted but it was a "delicious" type of exhaustion, the type that makes one enjoy the feeling of the bed against your skin. She slowly closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling, it had been a long time since she had felt that she was going to sleep well....

***I hope I didnt make too many mistakes... I was freaking out b/c I thought I had lost my notebook, where Im writing this but gladly I found it, finally I`ve gotten a little time to write a little but... I`m being nagged to go n help at the kitchen ¬¬