wandering 7 *lost

The night went by, the night came, another day to live, another day the clock was ticking away. It was midday, Anna laid down on her bed.
"It´d be nice that you talked to me first once in a while" the inner voice, Scire, said first expressing the longing for company they had at times.
"it´d be great if you really existed! that´s what you have to consider" Anna sighed sadly

Life is like water between your finger, you cant stop it, it runs away and waits for no one, life goes on and on until it goes away.
Anna kept living, Anna kept dreaming, Anna kept waiting, Anna kept having those moments of reverie, those moments of being half sleep, half awake, Anna kept Scire for herself..... anything changed, anything could´ve changed now, after all she only had the silver-like ghosts of a purplish past that´d never come back, a past that now was like a knife stuck in her soul.

The lunch line at the caferia. Everyday it was the same, like a river that goes over and over through the same path. There was nothing particularly appealing, so once again, it was going to be the usual, a taste-less sandwich and a soda.
"the food that tastes better is the one made with love" Anna heard as she passed close to a couple of people talking. Hearing that phrase made the knife, the ghosts, to hurt even deeper in her soul, it was like she was bleeding due to those words. The echo of an old conversation screamed in her ears:
    "it tastes so good!! what does it has?" a younger Anna was saying in the memory
    "yes hun, it tastes delicious!"
    "well, it has my secret ingredient!" the man grinned
    "what is it! I want to know so I can use it too" the younger Anna asked
    "when I cook for you two -said the man with a warm voice- I use love as the secret ingredient"
    "love as the secret ingredient!" the younger Anna in the memory repeated smiling

the scene was repeating itself in Anna´s mind and over and over the words "love as the secret ingredient" were stabbing her. The food that tastes better is the one made with love, that had made her remember one of the memories she had buried, a happy memory that was, now, a sad one, dyed with pain and betrayal, the secret recipe was spoiled now, lost.
she hated to admit it but it was true, that damn ingredient di made wonders in the kitchen and maybe in everything. She´d been the one in charge of the kitchen for a while and she had been good at it, she liked it, and the damn secret recipe had worked but then it was all lost and now she hated to get close to the kitchen because even though she followed the recipe, even though she did the same the food didnt taste the same, the damn secret ingredient was lost and now it all was tasteless.

The emotional side of Anna, Scire, got sad, on the verge of tears.
"no! you know very well that I dont cry, you know that I dont cry even less in a public place, you know today´s not Saturday, we can only cry on a Saturday night. Scire, let´s cry some other day"
Anna shook her head twice as if trying to shake away the memories in her head. It worked... the memories went away but not the pain, the tears stayed unshed, storaged for a Saturday that never came, not since her mother married again, not since she was no longer important in that house, not since she was alone.

Anna kept walking, head high, looking straight without looking, longing in her thoughts, hatred in her thoughts. She sat under the pine tree, today, finally the sun didnt seem to be chasing after her. A sip from the soda can.
The pain of thousand swords lingered in her soul and there was no painkiller for that pain, she couldnt cry out for Scire to tell her a story with the misterious person she didnt know yet missed because it was only going to make things worst and she was not going to be able to fall to that dark state of semi-consciousness that let her to dream and more than that, that state that made the emptiness of her life oblivious to her. A heavy sigh escaped from her, she leaned against the tree, looked up to the sky, sighed again and smiled sadly, all the sadness in the world in her eyes.
"what do I have" she wondered. This time there was no inner voice, this time it wasnt someone who thinks she´s crazy talking, this time it was two half of one, it was Anna and Scire, it was one person screaming without producing a sound, this time it was two half of one bleeding invisible blood. This time it was a question, a cry, a question.
"what do I have? I have anything, I only have emptiness, never-ending darkness that imprisons me. What do I have? I have two desires, one like the sunny day, the other dark as the night, I have to get one so I dont get the other. I have two prayers, both carved in my soul, both present in every second of my life. What do I have? I want to go away, I want my sould to fly to the never-ending space. What do I have? I want to be found by the one I dream about, I want to be found and have someone who cares. What do I have? I dont want to love, I dont want to need anybody, I dont want to need anybody. What do I have? I dont want to hurt anybody, I dont want to get hurt, I dont want to run away, I dont want to break anybody´s heart. What do I have? I hate missing you, I hate missing and talking to you when you dont even exist, I hate looking out for you without looking and I hated dreaming of you without seeing you, I hate longing for you and I hate hating you. What do I have? I have words, useless words, I have broken smiles, fake smiles, akward silences, false confidence, self-control that´s only a mirage, I have letters and writing, I have my proud looks, I have won over fear, I have hate on my side, I have an invisible sign of ´dont get close´, ´Im so perfect that´ll judge your weaknesses´, ´Im so stupid that I wont notice when you stab me´ yeah, that´s what people see in Anna. What do I have? I dont have what I want, I dont have what I want because to get what I want I have to shatter my heart, that or shatter my body.

For a moment Anna felt some warm drops rolling over her cheeks but the stopped quickly, there was only silence, silence outside and silence inside, silence inside for the first time in a long time, a quiet and calm silence that meant something worst was to come... calm before the storm, yes, that was it. What do I have? I have two wishes, two longings. The main one will make me fly free, at last, my soul cries for that one... the other wish... it has grown... I miss that misterious person, I want that person to be mine... I want that person I hate that person.
"Scire? Scire?"
"Im always here, talk to me" Scire answered to Anna
"Scire, what´s going on? what have we just said?"
"we? -Scire curved one eyebrow- you said it not me" both laughed.....

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I think this will need to b written again =/ idk it´s confusing I think but it´s late n w/e I need to see it posted there haha but it´s weird b/c Anna is weird, Anna dont know what she´s thinking, Anna doesnt know what´s going on w/her so her thoughts are chaotic.