a winter day

it´s a cold winter day, it´s not really cold but it´s colder for me since I probably have a fever, a cold winter day, it´s windy and gray. My sad music´s playing -it´s sad yet it could be happy depending on one´s point of view- I havent move from my bed but to take a shower. Im in pain. Im alone, not really my dearest mother who´s been taking care of me is downstairs and my brother -who like always is talking to his girlfriend- is in his room, they´re there and they´d be next to me if I´d asked to ...but I feel alone, maybe it´s just me being sick and sad at being so often sick -though I should be used to it by now- what I hate the most is  the pain which seems to linger in me. Mom´s worried she said they said ppl could die from this illness but I guess life wont be that merciful with me, no I´ll just have to go through the pain and nausea and headache and whatever else there is to feel due to this shitty thing I got... ah yeah, the only ones who made my phone ring are the cellphone´s company like four times or more for the past three days remembering me that I must update my adress n stuff or I´ll loose my number w/e I dont feel like doing that just now. I feel like having some cake ha! I can be so ramdon sometimes, I think is a way of coping with things or just my usual crazyness.
Now I´ll just keep up my work, since I have tons to do, I dont really feel like working but w/e it´s better than sulking around I guess ha! which reminds me -for some reason- that mom keeps teasing me that I need a boyfriend to get rid of that much stress that I have -yeah, I have a unique type of mom, I guess it´s logical since Im mmm not much similar to other people haha

It hurts...

One Girl

This is an awesome story I´ve been reading for the past year. It´s really beautiful, it inolves love, music, loosing and getting back loved ones. It´s really fun to read.

OneGirl Chapter 19, a romance fiction - FictionPress.com

wandering 7 *lost

The night went by, the night came, another day to live, another day the clock was ticking away. It was midday, Anna laid down on her bed.
"It´d be nice that you talked to me first once in a while" the inner voice, Scire, said first expressing the longing for company they had at times.
"it´d be great if you really existed! that´s what you have to consider" Anna sighed sadly

Life is like water between your finger, you cant stop it, it runs away and waits for no one, life goes on and on until it goes away.
Anna kept living, Anna kept dreaming, Anna kept waiting, Anna kept having those moments of reverie, those moments of being half sleep, half awake, Anna kept Scire for herself..... anything changed, anything could´ve changed now, after all she only had the silver-like ghosts of a purplish past that´d never come back, a past that now was like a knife stuck in her soul.

The lunch line at the caferia. Everyday it was the same, like a river that goes over and over through the same path. There was nothing particularly appealing, so once again, it was going to be the usual, a taste-less sandwich and a soda.
"the food that tastes better is the one made with love" Anna heard as she passed close to a couple of people talking. Hearing that phrase made the knife, the ghosts, to hurt even deeper in her soul, it was like she was bleeding due to those words. The echo of an old conversation screamed in her ears:
    "it tastes so good!! what does it has?" a younger Anna was saying in the memory
    "yes hun, it tastes delicious!"
    "well, it has my secret ingredient!" the man grinned
    "what is it! I want to know so I can use it too" the younger Anna asked
    "when I cook for you two -said the man with a warm voice- I use love as the secret ingredient"
    "love as the secret ingredient!" the younger Anna in the memory repeated smiling

the scene was repeating itself in Anna´s mind and over and over the words "love as the secret ingredient" were stabbing her. The food that tastes better is the one made with love, that had made her remember one of the memories she had buried, a happy memory that was, now, a sad one, dyed with pain and betrayal, the secret recipe was spoiled now, lost.
she hated to admit it but it was true, that damn ingredient di made wonders in the kitchen and maybe in everything. She´d been the one in charge of the kitchen for a while and she had been good at it, she liked it, and the damn secret recipe had worked but then it was all lost and now she hated to get close to the kitchen because even though she followed the recipe, even though she did the same the food didnt taste the same, the damn secret ingredient was lost and now it all was tasteless.

The emotional side of Anna, Scire, got sad, on the verge of tears.
"no! you know very well that I dont cry, you know that I dont cry even less in a public place, you know today´s not Saturday, we can only cry on a Saturday night. Scire, let´s cry some other day"
Anna shook her head twice as if trying to shake away the memories in her head. It worked... the memories went away but not the pain, the tears stayed unshed, storaged for a Saturday that never came, not since her mother married again, not since she was no longer important in that house, not since she was alone.

Anna kept walking, head high, looking straight without looking, longing in her thoughts, hatred in her thoughts. She sat under the pine tree, today, finally the sun didnt seem to be chasing after her. A sip from the soda can.
The pain of thousand swords lingered in her soul and there was no painkiller for that pain, she couldnt cry out for Scire to tell her a story with the misterious person she didnt know yet missed because it was only going to make things worst and she was not going to be able to fall to that dark state of semi-consciousness that let her to dream and more than that, that state that made the emptiness of her life oblivious to her. A heavy sigh escaped from her, she leaned against the tree, looked up to the sky, sighed again and smiled sadly, all the sadness in the world in her eyes.
"what do I have" she wondered. This time there was no inner voice, this time it wasnt someone who thinks she´s crazy talking, this time it was two half of one, it was Anna and Scire, it was one person screaming without producing a sound, this time it was two half of one bleeding invisible blood. This time it was a question, a cry, a question.
"what do I have? I have anything, I only have emptiness, never-ending darkness that imprisons me. What do I have? I have two desires, one like the sunny day, the other dark as the night, I have to get one so I dont get the other. I have two prayers, both carved in my soul, both present in every second of my life. What do I have? I want to go away, I want my sould to fly to the never-ending space. What do I have? I want to be found by the one I dream about, I want to be found and have someone who cares. What do I have? I dont want to love, I dont want to need anybody, I dont want to need anybody. What do I have? I dont want to hurt anybody, I dont want to get hurt, I dont want to run away, I dont want to break anybody´s heart. What do I have? I hate missing you, I hate missing and talking to you when you dont even exist, I hate looking out for you without looking and I hated dreaming of you without seeing you, I hate longing for you and I hate hating you. What do I have? I have words, useless words, I have broken smiles, fake smiles, akward silences, false confidence, self-control that´s only a mirage, I have letters and writing, I have my proud looks, I have won over fear, I have hate on my side, I have an invisible sign of ´dont get close´, ´Im so perfect that´ll judge your weaknesses´, ´Im so stupid that I wont notice when you stab me´ yeah, that´s what people see in Anna. What do I have? I dont have what I want, I dont have what I want because to get what I want I have to shatter my heart, that or shatter my body.

For a moment Anna felt some warm drops rolling over her cheeks but the stopped quickly, there was only silence, silence outside and silence inside, silence inside for the first time in a long time, a quiet and calm silence that meant something worst was to come... calm before the storm, yes, that was it. What do I have? I have two wishes, two longings. The main one will make me fly free, at last, my soul cries for that one... the other wish... it has grown... I miss that misterious person, I want that person to be mine... I want that person I hate that person.
"Scire? Scire?"
"Im always here, talk to me" Scire answered to Anna
"Scire, what´s going on? what have we just said?"
"we? -Scire curved one eyebrow- you said it not me" both laughed.....

*********
I think this will need to b written again =/ idk it´s confusing I think but it´s late n w/e I need to see it posted there haha but it´s weird b/c Anna is weird, Anna dont know what she´s thinking, Anna doesnt know what´s going on w/her so her thoughts are chaotic.

wandering 6 *Scire

She went to sleep peacefully but it was Anna so it couldnt last long, it wasnt so easy for her, it was never easy for her. Like nagging drops the images of the day came to her mind. Her brain seemed to have something wrong why didnt it let her sleep? it even showed her that he cloth, that one day was tight on her now was loose, was she loosing weight? She remembered some article she had read about the metabolism of some people, about how they easily loose weight. At some point, the other Anna, the other voice in her head woke up to show her an image of certain someone, someone that she didnt even knew, someone she knew didnt exist but she knew that she loved, she adored that someone or at least she had the need of that person. The truth was that this misterious person her inner voice was making her remember did existed, Anna did knew that someone, it had have a face, she just didnt know it, not just yet.
After a little while Anna realized she wasnt dreaming, she wasnt sleeping, she was in the middle of one of her conversations with her inner voice.
she growled internally "do something productive!!" but she couldnt think of anything of use that she could without having to leave her warm and confortable bed. She knew that if she moved she wasnt going to find that nice spot again. If anyone had seen her the position in which she was would´ve seem incredibly unconfortable but it was heaven for her. Since she didnt found anything to do she gave up and started to talk to her inner voice.
"Im your conscience" the inner voice said
"I dont think so... if what you are is my conscience then...." the inner voice laughed with amusement
"what am I then?"
"you´re problably the first symptoms of schizophrenia"
"do you really think so?- the inner voice had taken a serious tone- but after so much time -almost thirdteen years, because she had no memory from before she was three or four- dont you think that the schizophrenia would´ve taken control of you, that I´d have taken over you?"
"you make me go nuts!!"
"ok, but I dont think that I, whatever I am, am a symptom of some desease, Im not a symptom of you going crazy, not like that at least" the inner voice had now an amused tone of voice.
"I dont know, remember that in our family medical record ther are those types of deseases"
"yeah but they never thought they were sick, they thought they were healthy, they never admitted it and you, all you do is to think that you are getting crazy"
"don´t like, we dont do either, it´s true that I say that but never in public, I´d never admit that to strangers" Anna sighed "see, even know Im talking in plural, as if I am not one but two. I must be metal"
"No, you are not! plus it sounds better when you talk in plural because, at least, crazy or not, there are two voices, two sides of you that talk, you have someone to talk, dont you?" the inner voice said trying to confort Anna
"you encourage my insanity! and now the only thing I can think about is that I should give you a name!"
"awesome -the inner voice said cheerfully- that makes me happy"
"obviously! my insanity grows exponentially now!!"
"tell me my name" the inner voice prompted
"I dont know what to name you, you know Im bad at that"
"mmmm what about if you name after a color"
"a color? "
"yeah, like mmm our favorite color is blue, what if you use a contrast color?" said eagerly the inner voice
"then it´d be orange? that the contrast color of light blue" Anna´s brows furrowed a little

"I cant be named ´orange´!!" both bursted out laughing
"no, I dont like that" Anna said
"yeah, we´re crappy at this" the inner voice laughed
"what about Noir?- before the inner voice could say a thing, Anna interrupted her with a word- Scire, that´d be your name" and she smiled pleased at the name she´d come up with
"Scire -the inner voice laughed a little- and you say Im not you conscience!"
Anna and Scire laughed as they feel they were falling in the middle of the night and it´s quiet sounds. Anna and Scire let themselves be wrapped in a magic dream while repeating as if she was going to forget, as if she was calling someone she´d lost ´Scire... Scire... Scire...Anna...Scire, Sci..´

bitter-sweet

your hugs are as warm as ever 

and your presence is as sweet as ever 

it´s almost as if not time has passed, 

as if not resolutions have been made.

*sigh* let me go to heaven....

The Little Prince

As a child I read a book, my first real book, everybody must know that was my first real book since I always say it, it was the Little Prince. I was 7 and I loved it. I can almost say that it is my happiest memory. It was so vivid for me, I read it again and again, everytime I got to the end, though it left me with a tinge of sadness it also gave me a tinge of hope, because the author implies it´s possible for the little prince to come back, he also implies anyone can find him. I was so fond of that little child the author describes that I wanted to find him -or to be found by him-, I wanted to write to the author and say I´d met the little fellow. I was a "serious" kind of child, very "mature" as people often said but I still had that little fantasy in me. As I grew older I dropped it, I became "serious" I was on the proccess of becoming an adult and though I still cherished the story I knew it was of not use to have that little silly fantasy in me anymore, so I dropped it or maybe I just left it there, on the back of my mind, sleeping.

 I, just like the man on the Little Prince book, had have a plane crash, I had also fallen from the sky probably not on the literal meaning of the words but there´s more than one way to fall from the sky, in earth you see all sort of things as the fox says. My water supply was running out and I was bussy with "serious" things, things that seemed a matter of life or death. My little silly fantasy was sound asleep, unlike Antoine the Little Prince´s voice didnt wake it up but his laugh is the first thing I remember. "If a child comes to you. He laughs[...] if he doesnt answers your questions you´ll know who he is [...] Send word that he´s come back." He laughed during a "serious" talk, it startled me a little but it was non of my business.

In his little planet he had it all figured out but he had fallen from the sky too. So typical of the little prince, he sunk on his reveries yet talked a lot at his own pace. He came to me while I was trying to fix my "plane" not really a plane but the thing that I thought was going to make me fly again and go back home before my water supply ended, I wished it ended faster sometimes tough, my sense of survival is so bad sometimes. He hated that of me and as honest as he is and as serious as he takes invisible, esential things, he declared it. Princesses can be hard sometimes, they´re so noble too. "If a child comes to you. He laughs[...] if he doesnt answers your questions you´ll know who he is [...] Send word that he´s come back." He certainly didnt have the figure of a child, maybe that´s why I didnt know as I saw him that he was the Little Prince or maybe I just had thought impossible to find him, maybe the little silly fantasy was dying in that never-ending sleep. He didnt have the figure of a child but he came to me. He came to me with all that was important in his own world. He was so strange to me, to me and all of my "serious business" and my crashed plane. I want to laugh now at how little serious it all seems now. I think I was strange to him too. Was he looking for a friend this time too? like in the book had he come from the sky looking for a friend? I certainly wasnt looking for one, in fact I was a little annoyed that he interrrupted me from my "serious business" I was a little upset at not understanding how so many unserious things were declared by him as a high priority, he even had a graphic for it.

He didnt have the figure of a child but he was one, and he laughed, he laughed a happy laugh, a contagious laugh that now lingers in my memory. Antoine was right, Im sure of that, he said that the Little Prince had told him that when he looked at the stars they were going to be a laugh and that he was going to know somewhere the Little Prince was laughing and he was going to want to laugh with him. I look at the shiny objects and I know the Little Prince must be laughing somewhere and it makes me want to smile too.

The first time the little prince came to earth, the fox showed him how to tame something or someone in order to know that something or someone. Probably this time the little prince dont remember that encounter with the fox but he did remember how to become unique for someone. He tamed me despite all the "seriousness" that was going on in my life. "If a child comes to you. He laughs[...] if he doesnt answers your questions you´ll know who he is [...] Send word that he´s come back." The little prince came to me. The little prince laughed and made me smile, of course he also did the third thing: he didnt answer my questions and never dropped one, he was kind enought to let go of some, though, but basically that´s why I recognized him. He didnt give me answers, not when he didnt want to. The little silly fantasy of mine was still sleeping, dry, dying but in it´s dreams it told to the child-me this child that had come to me was, indeed, the Little Prince, stubborn as he was, kind as he was, wise as he was.

Days passed, like Antoine, I met a little more about his life and his planet, and his sadness and his joy, one day a little, other day a little more, all thanks not to a sheep but thanks to a box, a shiny box, full of sheeps and sounds, and stars and voices and colors. I wasnt good at drawing either but I got used to it after a while. I got fond of it.

Because I knew all about the story I was well aware of the fox´s advice to the prince "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what´s essential is invisible to the eye" I loved that advice, not that I followed it anyways, the Little Prince scolded me for that, but it didnt really had a meaning for me, not for the grown up me at least. I had to wait for the child me to wake up after it´s long time slumber but it did, it did in a silent way, I guess I didnt remember how quiet of a child I was until I realized the child me had been awake for longer than I had thought and it was taking the fox´s advice. "A different way of seeing life" at those words the child me laughed along with the little prince and I found out the little silly fantasy in me was still there, it made the grown up me feel embarrased. It flushed, but blushes are just fine when you are a child, the child me was awake and the Little Prince was a child that had come to me with his gentle laugh and his prince-like manners so it was ok because children can learn together.


I want to close my eyes at the snake, I dont want to remember about that sleepery thing, I want to pretend it does not exist but I know, the child me and the grown up me, both know that the golden, sand-like snake must come and it´s probably bitten him already, I can see him walking slow towards the place where he landed. I stay quiet, I stay in silence. There´s always the shiny memories that provoke a smile. We stay in silence.

I got to meet the Little Prince, I never knew the child me would come back after that much time. "I look up at the sky and then I wonder what´s happened there at his planet [...] and I see how everything changes and no grown up will ever understand how such a thing could be so important."

It´s too bad that Antoine it´s not around anymore because I wont be able to tell him how I´ve found -or have been found by- the little prince. Im happy that I got to meet him, it´s another story that I´ll cherish, just like the story on the book, only this time unequely to myself.

The child me wake up thanks to the little prince, I see stars and flowers and butterflies that had been invisible for quite sometime, thanks for everything little prince.

***
mmm I think I should write a disclaimer too, idk, I think so because I´ve use some quotes and ofc the name of Antoine de Saint Exupery book and his name too, I´ve used it because he´s story has always inspired me and it´s just a way to call someone that comes to one´s life and changes one´s perspective for the better, nothing more.Anyways the names belong only to the author.

>> I guess this is more like a story to myself since I remember my writing teachers telling me to always think about the reader when writing a story but only someone that has read  the book will get it I guess, but then it´s quite a popular book so probably it wont be so hard if anybody reads it.
I have to say I love when the book/author says that the Little Prince laughs b/c it seems to me that he´s truly happy when he does so. Anyone can tell that book is my favorite right? haha