raged

in days like this it is very evident that I dislike being alive. Today and basically this whole week I´ve being hating myself. Indeed, I hate myself. I HATE MYSELF. Im crying, Im crying because Im mad, because Im filled with rage because Im in pain, excruciating pain. Last time I went walking -it was at the beginning of the month- I was happy n felt like walking around the place in El Tazumal, it was great I was happy, it was the first time I was staying in my own house. I had gone shopping n it all felt right. After walking for a while on the grass I felt a slight pain in my right foot, it suddenly happened and I knew I had to stop walking. I had faith that it was going to go away soon. We went away n I spent the rest of the afternoon lying down, as well as the next day, my poor mother had to do everything for me, she had to bring everything for me. I tried to ignore the pain and I kept believing n having  faith that it was going to be better... We came back from my own house to the house we all live.... I tried to ignore the pain... I did put on some cream to aliviate it and I took some pain killers... I had to go to work the next day... driving and walking were a torture but I endured it because it´s been always like that for me...every time I´ve gone to the doctor they say there´s nothing wrong with me but it doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt... on tuesday that week I got a sore throught and I just got some medicine from the drug store...the next day it was worst n I barely could talk because I was coughing so much. That afternoon I didnt go to my second job instead I went to the doctor -to el seguro social- the doctor checked my through n said I was sick and prescribed some medicine and she also said I had to stay home for 2 days... I told her then to take a look at my foot because it hurt...she said she couldnt b/c she could only check me for one thing no more plus she said, Im giving you four types of medicine and Im only supposed to give u three... I asked her to at least tell me what could do she refused to help me... I went to the place where they give you the medicine and out of the four that were prescribed to me only two were available so they sent me to the other location of the seguro social n there they didnt have any medicine either which I found out after being in line for a while... I decided to go to the ER there the doctor there barely touched my foot and said it was ok, he said not to use the bandage anymore. I was mad b/c I was still in pain but had no money to go to another doctor. I was mad so I did it, I didnt wear the bandage the next three days...  then it was saturday and then monday that day it started to hurt again n more that day my car broke and then I had to pay for it with money that I dont even have and then it had something else wrong ...I´ve had to b a burden for my bro for these days... This morning the car was ok and I didnt care if my foot still hurt anyways it always hurt. The fucking car started to fail... bro had to take it to fix...apparently it was nothing it was just to make me get late to my morning job. Wonderful, isnt it?
The weather is really cold and I just cant stand the pain. I need money to go to a orthopaedist. Idont have money and the money of my next pay check is already spent. I cant stand the pain and I´ve been crying. I cant stand the pain and for the very first time I´ve wanted to hurt myself. Im raged. Im convinced that God hates me or ignores me or just hates me.I´ve thought that maybe he is punishing me for liking girls as well as guys but then, I´ve been in pain since I was 5 and back then I didnt even know what was to like someone. And it´s not that I like girls or guys. I´ve just liked 3 ppl in my whole life and I gave up on both girls b/c I knew he didnt like it and well the last one Im almost sure she doesnt like me like that, the other one was a guy, he was nice but ended up being a jerk. I´ve never had a boyfriend, I´ve never been kissed, I´ve never had sex, I´ve recentrly started -one in a while- to touch myself but I dont like it, I dont feel a thing, I´ve tried to be good and have a good heart, I´ve tried and tried but it seems that it ddoesnt matter for him. He loves watching me cry or so it seems. He hates me, I love him despite all.
Tomorrow I think I´ll end it all, Im not sure maybe Im too coward... I have this very sharp knife-like thing that I used when I was in architecture but to use that I´d had to bleed a lot before dieing plus I dont want to leave a bad memory for my family in my house. While driving I could hit the gas and close my eyes and let loose the steering wheel but that would make me crash and ruin the car and they need to have a mean of transportation so I think my best option , and I´ve never planned it thoroughly as today, my best option is to go to Los Planes, to the mountain called La Puerta del Diablo. It is perfect because I know how to get there, also I wont ruin the car and wont leave a bad memory at home, it is always lonely during the weekdays and I will do it after lunch so no one will be there. I will climb to the highest one, I´ll have to endure the pain of climbing the stairs but that will be the last fucking time.  I´ll take my cellphone w/me to text my bro n dad to go and pick up mom. after that I´ll turn it off so that they wont call me. I´ll climb over the safety cables and I will scream my lungs out. I´ll take my sharp knife and will slice my through then I´ll jump off the cliff and all the pain will be over in a  few seconds. I dont know what will happen next with me... my soul will go to heaven and my body will end up all torn up on the rocks. who cares... The night will come and there will be 7:30 pm... mom, father and bro will try to call me but I will be long gone... they´ll get worried and will call grandma then to my boss at my second job then probably to Cecy and maybe to Gaby since they are my only two friends. Father will get deperate and will go to via del mar to look for me but they will tell him that I didnt appear, he will go to my college but he wont find me there...maybe they´ll call the police. It will be days untill they find my body all rotten maybe eaten by birds and dogs ...who cares... I wont be feeling pain anymore but they will but only in their brains but it´ll pass I´ll explain them and they´ll think that I shouldnt had done it and maybe they´ll blame themselves but I´ll explain them... because when they find me they´ll try to look for a guilty person but I will be the one to blame... they´ll come and look in my computer and look in my stuff and they will find it... but they´ll have to understand that I was having unbearable pain. and this will be the explanation:

Im so so sorry that Im causing you so much pain. I promise it will pass because what you feel now is only in your brains, I know you will always remember me and probably cry a bit but you have to understand that I did this only for me, because I wanted to because I didnt want to feel pain anymore. During my whole life it´s been all about pain. My legs hurt so bad, even when I walked, driving was a torture and I didnt have money to go check it but dont feel guilty it´s not about money you know how many other times we´ve gone to docotrs and they always say that I have nothing wrong, they cant find the cause of my pain, so it´s not your fault at all, it was just my body hating me as I hated it. Dear, beloved mom please dont blame yourself, it´s not your fault, it´s God´s fault, he was the one who made me like that. I know that you will miss me, all of you but I will give you this confession to make you mad at me, to make you hate me so that you have a way to give meaning to what has happened to me, this is what will make you hate me, well not you my baby bro because you already know and accepted it as a phase or whatever but you accepted it and loved me the same you have no idea how relieved I was that you still loved me as much as before but mom n dad I know you hate this, specially you mom, well as you are probably guessing by now ... n no Im not gay lol however Im not completely straight... you might be thinking that such thing cant be but it can. I am able to like romantically anybody -technically it is called pansexuality- it means I dont mind the gender or whatever they have between their legs... this you dont know my bro, when I was at baptist school, right when the whole liking the opposite sex started I liked this guy, his name was Eduardo and you see, I see colors, I dont know how to explain it but sometimes I see color or tastes in things/ppl and this boy had this glow around him... well, this girl..also at that school had the same glow n i remember I thought she was so damn beautiful... I felt the same for both -at different times ofc- but I never realized what it was... years later in highschool I fell again for a girl... I wont tell her name I got crazy about her... also sick... I stopped eating completely. I was so scared of all of you and of God´s punishment...then I liked this boy and they also had this sort of glow but I denied liking the boy when mom asked dad, you were the first one to notice it -you all now know who he was- I denied liking him even to myself b/c it meant that I had fell for the girl too and that was painful....some years after, in college...n still now I´ve seen another girl...I love her and I wished I could´ve been with her but she doesnt like me and no I didnt do this for her, she would slap me if I´d ever do that... she´s one of my best friends and I know I´ll make her suffer for this too but she has to understand that I was in so much pain that my body was causing me so much pain. Im sorry my dear little prince. /(I ask you the favor to show this to Cecy and maybe she can show it to her, yes she knows who she is) n by now you probably know too but dont hate her b/c she didnt turn me I was the one who was like that already... I had prayed to God to make me fall in love for a nice guy next time but maybe that wont happen b/c Im not around anymore. You are mad at me now dont you? you see, it´s not that hard to  let me go.
I want to say to mom that ...well, I love you mom with all my heart, you are the best and that that was good in me and in my life was because of you. You never did anything wrong, if there is perfection in this world then your name is the definition of it. I love you more than anything and Im sorry that Ive made you sad and that I´ve made you cry and that I´ve disppointed you by what  I just confessed but you know I love you and Im still loving you,even now. I wish there were words to tell you how much I love you. Promise me that you´ll never blame yourself for my choices. I´ll see you in heaven. Live, live to see god comming to earth please.
My dear baby bro, you know your are the one that has all my trust. I know you will miss me too but honey you are young and great and hot haha and you have a great life ahead of you.. go on and have my beautiful niece -I know her already- Abby will be so beautiful. I want you to be the best man you can be and thebest dad and the best husband and the best lawyer. You are and will be great. I know it. You are the best I love you so much that I even tattooed something that represented you -among other stuff- Im sorry if I made you cry baby but you know I never meant it... plz dont do nothing irrational, think what I would do -excepting this last crazy thing ok- plz I beg you. I love you I love you I love you
Dad: wow, you and I have had our ups and downs... I adored you for most part of my life you were the greatest dad until you were not but even so I want you to know that I´ve forgiven you whole heartedly and that though the love that I had for you changed and hide in the depth of my heart it never ceased to exist and you might b thinking that I dont love you even know but that´s not true Im thinking on those nice happy moments that we had...Im thinking on my baby journal that you made for me... this blog that I have is sort of the extension of it. Thx for being so careful of details...n never blame yourself for what I´ve done, plz I know that probably you will be the most affected one n I really appreciate that you love me so much but it´s not your fault at all. It´s all mine and my pain ok? plz be strong for mom and Jo and your future grandchildren, you´ll be a wonderful grandpa. Dont get mad at God either... you thought me to believe in him and even though I am convinced now that he hates me I still believe in him and his power and all that you thought me of him so dont get mad at him and dont get drunk please you know how much I hated when you did that so dont do it and dont go to bed and stay there for days either, get up and b happy, be happy b/c thanx to your faith Im in heaven now ^^ happy and with no pain ok?
now for all my family tell them I love them and dont tell them much or do as you please they´ll think I´m stupid n will talk shit about me but who cares dont mind them ... if you make me the favor of passing this to my only friends I´d appreciate that...
to Cecy: Dear friend I love you a lot, thx for accepting me as I am. You are and were very important in my life you know I always admired you for your faith, b strong and plz dont think badly of me... great things will come for you I know.
To Gaby: I love you for real, thank you for giving me reasons to smile... for helping me get out of that black whole in which i was whe you met me. You are the best never let anybody to tell you otherwise, not even yourself.... idk if you´ll want to read this blog since you were in a way the reason for me to create it...and many of the post/poems were made for you or thinking of you... you dont have to read them though and you might hate me now for doing what I did I beg you to try to understand me Im sorry if Im causing you pain I never meant to do it. I beg you to be you and just you since who you r is great. I´ll miss your hugs the most but the memories of you n the nice/funny moments we spent had been a confort for bad days. Bear hug dearest. Love ya dear little prince.
now for my manga fox/facebook friends: Matt, Saku,T and Kari. You are great guys! You helped me so much. Matt never give up ok? too bad I never got to meet you in person or being who you want to be but I know you´ll get it... too bad I wont see how hot you´ll get :p yeah I had planned flirting a bit w/u ahahaha a little shotacon hahaha jk I´ll miss you piggy pig :p Saku thx for reading my stories, my only reader thx for encouraging me in that n for reading my rants Im sorry that I complained so much. You are a great girl! T so cute! take care T, too bad we didnt make that vid call again. Kari though by now we´ve lost contact I want you to know that I miss you n that you were a great friend, you were the first one to hear my unrequited love ramblings im sorry ´bout that... plz find a way to smile ok dont follow my lead ok? I´ll miss you. Bear hug!

n that´s it. Im sorry that all of you have to read so much but ... that´s me... Im sorry that I made you pass a bad time... plz try to understand ok? plz but you know I´d rather you all hate me than you all feel sad/guilty so plz instead of being sad/guilty hate me or just remember the small good parts of me. Mom, Jo n dad I love you, believe still in heaven I know I love you. <3