Double Life: Early Morning

beautiful pix found w/google

“You shouldn´t leave your window open at night”

A whisper awoke Josh. He saw a silhouette shaped in the shadows of his room. He knew well who she was, he was sure no one else in the school liked climbing up windows or jumping out of them especially when dark.

“Roommate left it open. I warned him” he sat making his cover fall and revealing his bare chest.

“Meet you downstairs” she didn´t wait for an answer, she jumped out of the window. Josh grumbled but then he smiled as he got up.

“It´s five in the morning, Nichole” he complained when he got downstairs. She smiled a happy smile that he´d only seen a couple of times.

“Let´s go” she said extending her left hand and he took it, she walked swiftly all the way through the woods to the thick stone wall he knew she often visited. Once they got there she let go of his hand and jumped up the wall, he saw her, and motioned for him to walk along. She walked on the wall, him on the floor. At some point she stopped and motioned for him to come up.

“It´s ok” she extended her hand to him. They crossed the school grounds to the woods. She took out a flashlight from her pocket and gave it to him. They walked following a dirt road for ten minutes and then she lead the way through the woods, there was no trail.

“How do you know where to go?” Josh asked only looking the way they were walking with his flashlight, the mist was still thick in the woods despite that the sun was about to rise.

“Maybe I´m just walking” she turned to see him with a smile. He lifted an eyebrow

“If we´re just walking then I think we can stop and sleep for a while”

“We have no tents we´ll end up wet if we sleep here, besides, we´re almost on the road”

“I see no road” he said matter of fact

“Enjoy the view”

“All I see is trees and mist”

“I know, isn´t it beautiful?” she smiled again, he shook his head. “We´re walking diagonally from where we came, we´ll find the road in a few minutes” she explained. When they got to the road it was clearer, he put the flashlight in his pocket. They walked along the road.

“Sorry about that” she looked at his dirty shoes, he shrugged. “Here comes our carriage” she said tilting her head to a side.

“What?” He found it strange that she seemed so happy.

“The bus to the town, I hear it coming”

“I hear nothing”

Five minutes later they got in a bus that was empty but for a couple of people scattered around. Josh and Nichole sat in the seat before the last.

“So, you´re a morning person” Josh commented

“Not really” she seemed to ponder

“You seem happier now and it´s so early” he ventured to say glancing her way

“I´m sorry I woke you –she apologized- you are not a morning person for what I see”  

“I don´t mind –he smiled- I´m just intrigued”

“It´s best to leave Burgeoys when no one´s up, that´s either really early in the morning or late at night… this wouldn’t be that nice if it was night”

“And what is this?” he took advantage of her good mood

“The sunrise can only be seen in the morning” she said as if this was an obvious thing. Josh furrowed his eyebrows as she got up to get off the bus

They walked a block, the town was deserted. Josh perceived the smell of fresh baked bread.

“Bread here is amazing” she pushed a glass door. It was some kind of a café/bakery. They had breakfast there. She took him to a street market and to a clothing store.

“Here´s the plan” she broke the silence in which they´d been walking “we´ll be swimming today, so you´ll be shopping for whatever you need for that over there –she pointed to the man´s section- and I´ll be over there  and we´ll meet there –she pointed at the cashier leaving him no option but to do as she said but he wanted to protest, he didn´t like the swimming idea but he knew this was no usual behavior in her, she wanting to hang out with him and not the other way around.

“This too?” said the cashier to Nichole who was observing a pair of wool gloves, she only glanced at the cashier with an annoyed look.

“I´m paying this and whatever she got” Josh said firmed to the cashier. Nichole made as if she didn´t listen.

“I already paid for mine” she put the gloves back.

They took the bus back and walked over their steps, when they got to the dirt road they kept walking until they reached a wide river and then to a clearing where they sat to rest.

When it was what it isn´t now

I´m down again
won´t you please tell me
everything´s going to be ok
like when I believed
like when I thought I´d be

I´m shivering
´cause that´s what tears do
they make one cold from the core
won´t you please hug me tight
like when you cared
like when you wanted to hold me always

I´m alone again
loner than before
like when you saw me
like when I didn´t care
tell me you´re here for me

Just let me lay my head on your shoulder
I apologize for my tears
I just don´t know where else to take them
I want to feel it´s then and not now
just a little while....
like when it was what it isn´t now...

what´s good

I write
my brain works
I can still teach
there are tons of things that I haven´t read
it´s raining
my mom loves me so very much
I have a dog
-can´t think of anything else... think!
I can think
I love my brother
I have a niece
I have a job
I learned how to drive
I have a home
I´m on my way to have my own place
there´s music
I have a few friends
there´s ppl that care
my eyes, I can see
I can write
I was invited to C´s graduation
I can still do stuff
I have a place to be
I have hope
I kow afterlife will be better
I have good memories
I can cling to good memories

burnt

*** Not worth reading it*** way too long and it says nothing... just another one of my rants***

It´s been a while since I haven´t felt like writing Me in here. It´s been too overwhelming to even write.
"Everything burns" I thought of it, I felt it. I remembered of a song a friend showed me once, it had that sentence on it.
"what when everything burns? -I thought- what when everything burns?" I listen to the song. I found a version in which a man is singing. In the version I heard a couple of years ago a female was singing. I wonder now as I wondered then if my friend felt like the lyrics. I feel sad because maybe she did but maybe she just liked the voice or the composition... My thoughts drift as they always do when I get too close to myself but fat tears always guide me unwillingly back to Me.

I like it here because I don´t have to be, I just can be. Be the always gray and pessimist without having to smile and say "I´ll be ok" because I know how people feel sad when they see me blue, even if it´s not a vast population, it´s the world for me. I am Atlas.

This is the songhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2j4FFFkEkgo I keep going back to that time. Did my friend feel like the lyrics?

I feel a little like the lyrics now except that I don´t sing myself to sleep but cry myself to sleep but I never cry. "You look good, you seem to be doing better" people say. I smile and sometimes I even nod. I feel like I´m lying. I´m not doing better. Narcotics take me through the day. I´m off them the last couple of days ´cause it burns and it all sets in fire and floods.

I want to scream but I have no voice. My new story starts off with suicide. I been thinking a lot about it lately. I´ve always said that it requires to be brave. I know I´m not brave and I have no heart to make the one single heart that loves me suffer.

I guess I was depressed indeed. I got depression pills to go along with my pain meds just because those are supposed to make one think more about death. I've been quiet ok with the shit that life´s been throwing my way. Secrets kept where everybody can see them are the best kept. I can´t stop the tears coming out of my eyes. Warm drops of useless salty water. I had been taking the pain meds and the bonus ones for over a month until everything burns and I´m two days off of them and I'm braking again, having a melt down one of those where my most liked and hated trait gets enhanced: I'm a walking contradiction.

I was angry. They say at church that when you´re sad you should seek God. I tore off two pages of my Bible, a book that I haven´t touched in too many months. Was that a sin? I´m a walking contradiction, I didn´t have the courage to rip off the firs page of Job as I wanted but I only managed to tore off two blank pages, blank except for my gratitude for a few things I prayed for once.

Once again I haven´t left my bed. I don´t want to leave it. My responsible side is fighting with myself now. I know I won´t want to get up tomorrow to go to work. I want to stop talking to the world. My eyes are red as well as my nose and lips. My brother promised to come and visit. I hope he doesnt come, he always feels sad when he sees me like this. I can´t stop the tears, don´t they ever run dry?
Brother told me the brother of one of his colleagues commit suicide. You´ll be the next one I said. He called me rude names at that, I didn´t mind, we tend to do that, we never mean it, never. I laughed. He cares, I love him and he wouldn´t understand.

Will you get married? will you have children? some kids asked me. I give a negative answer to both questions. They asked why. I try to give the "official" version of the answer. So like me, why I don´t say it all? because it´s irresponsible, it´d be irresponsible if I did so. I want to say I don´t believe in marriage, I want to say I´m no good for either of the things they´ve asked not because I´m selfish -which I am- but because I wouldn´t give anything good and because I just want to disappear. What if you found somone that loved you a lot, one of the children ask, he´s what ppl see as a bad boy, he´s got a good sould I conclude for his question, he still wants to believe. I smile, I´d have to break their heart I say, because I´m never specific in those questions, it´s always a person never a possibility or a shape.

What if, he adds, what if you loved that person -he uses the neutral word I've used, I wonder sometimes if ppl notices that- so much that you´d want to be with them and make them happy and just stay with them and make a family. I smile because he wants to believe. I open my mouth to speak I want to say something generic to him, just like i always do, because I don´t want ppl to get too close to Me. No words came out of my mouth because a memory had taken over my mind so I gave up, I´ve thought of it, I say not going around the bushes for once in this matter, I want to say that I thought of it once and that my mind gave up and I knew I´d give up for that love, that love that I often offend because I do think it´s crap and not real or just real for a short moment, but instead of that I just say I don´t know, I haven´t lived that so I couldn´t really answer and that´s a lie through and through, I´m bad at lying I always say but it´s another lie it seems I´m very good at lying when it means I can keep ppl out... and I´m letting people in with this but it´s ok, because no body is here... I´m alone and I can be Me whoever that is, I don´t have to say I´ll be ok because I don´t know if I´ll be right now it feels like a lie because I don´t feel ok and tears keep coming oout of my eyes. I was ok until a couple of days ago when I couldn´t take my meds anymore because everything burnt.

"Aren´t those pills supposed to make ppl addict?" my friend said the other day when she came over to my place. I cant wait for the day in which I don´t have to take them I said... but I´m crying and I wish I could take them so that I can stop but it burns...

Take all that negative energy and turn it into creative force, that´s what i´ve always said to myself. I´ve created letters, stories, poetry, rants, more stories, cards, drawings, paintings, stains on my walls, doodles on my notebooks, a tattoo on my skin... but sometimes it´s too much. Lately´s been a lot... my next story is my plan I turned it into creative shit because it´s in a way what I want to do and what I´ve been about to do but not really about to because I´ve been to away from it.

"You need a boyfriend" my boss said. "You need a boyfriend and I know who wants to be" my mother said. "You should get a boyfriend" one of my friends teased me or has teased me since highschool. "you need to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, whatever you prefer" one of my friends said -the way she said it made me mad- "let me know when you get a girlfriend" another friend told me, for some reason she think I´d be good for a relationship. Everybody thinks I need a boyfriend or at least thinks it would help... looking at the biological processes that it´d trigger I kind of agree, free of consequences chemicals that´d made my brain stupid adding the blessing of thinking that things are good or can be good... but they don´t know, do they? I want no one and the reason I have I know are perfectly contradicted, there are ppl who can love other ppl for who they are flaws included, I know, even I have felt that but that´s the problem why would I want to that to anybody?

It´s said in the Bible something like... it´ll b engraved in your heart and by "it" it means God´s commands or his words or something along those lines... It´s so very true, if it wasn´t so I would be long gone. I just wonder why it seems that ppl that want to live die and ppl that want to die live.

Everything burns... and no body sees the fire and I wouldn´t let anybody see it, what if they get burn too?

Lights off

She turned on the light

when I wanted it off

I was contemplating they gray sky

as the day died

just like me

when she and her soft pace came

with light in her hands

I saw her

ignoring the dead sky

who´d see that 

when the sun´s paid them a visit?

I wanted darkness still

and the sun went away

leaving the shine

of the light on 

it hurts my eyes

it burns my skin

I keep looking at the gray sky

the lights don´t go off 

I welcome darkness

it´s engulfing it all inside out

her light is as strong as ever

Turn off the light, Sun.

Let me go

as the day dies away

Grain of Sand

Damn me!
I shouldn´t love you.
I laugh with irony,
there it is,
I´m already damned:
I love you.

Nevers and forevers don´t exist.
I wish I had been wrong on that.
But I believed your nevers and forevers
and here I am
crying over the castle I built on them.

I knew the whole time,
I knew it´d end this way,
but I wanted to believe
for once, for you
I hope you are laughing now
I have to smile even when that´s the last expression
that´d show what´s going on
what you failed to see
what you failed to feel

I´ll hate you
that´s how it´ll end
I know, I won´t doubt again
I´ll hate you so much,
with the same amount of my current love
and then, when you don´t mean a thing for me
I´ll stop
and you´ll be nothing, no one for me
just a shallow mist, a sudden rain, a dream that I forgot.

You´ll never know
you never see
and if you see, you don´t realize
you don´t care
your words must be empty
I must be nothing, no one for you
it hurts now
it´ll make my hate greater later
and then, it´ll mean nothing
it'll be a nightmare from which I woke up

But I love you now,
I care now, even if you don´t.
The castle was so beautiful.
I weep knowing that I´ll hate you
I lament the time when you won´t have a meaning
...a grain of sand in the beach...
You´re oblivious
Don´t worry, I learn that one too.

Double Life: Mystery

The room was dark. The lights from the street made the furniture angles to be pronounced whereas the rest was submerged in darkness. It was a cold night; the wind blew making the thin white transparent curtains move as if they were silently trying to warn the inhabitant of the house that someone had trespassed, dark eyes narrowed as this thought passed through the trespasser’ mind.  Silent steps carried the girl through the wooden floor and down to the first floor.

Nichole walked into the living ample living room with wooden furniture. There was an old lady sleeping on a rocking chair close to a window. The woman was wearing white, all of her was white: her pale wrinkled skin as well as her hair. Her eyelids were seemed almost translucent.

Nichole reached to touch one of her cheeks without really understanding why she had to do it; the lady seemed like a nice grandma. Pictures of children were hanging on the wall next to the stairs, probably her children and grandchildren.

“I knew you’d come” the old lady said before Nichole could touch her cheek. It startled Nichole but she didn´t move. They both stared at each other for a moment, Nichole with a blank expression and the woman with the expression of someone that knows what´s coming.

“You’ve grown a lot” the old lady said closing her eyes. Nichole felt compelled to ask her what she meant, she had never seen that lady in her life but she knew better than to talk to her victims, she’d been trained not to unless it was necessary. Knowing them, even just a little made her job harder and it could make it impossible, she´d learned that in the first year of her life as a killer. She didn´t need any more pain because every time she took a life something inside her died besides the experience of the pain she was inflicting to her victims.

“You look so much like your mother” the old lady said closing her eyes. This was like a blow to her stomach. She wondered if the woman had met her mother. She felt the urge to ask. “I knew I was next” the woman opened her eyes and the intensity of her gaze was the one of a younger woman not of the old grandma with gray hair. Nichole tilted her head just a little, the old lady half smiled and batted her eyelashes, she looked so different with those gestures, they made Nichole remember Natasha.

“You don´t know who I am, do you?” the old lady said above a whisper. “Who is using you now, Nicky?” the old lady smiled taking her hand to Nichole’s that was still a few inches away of the silver haired woman “Say hello to Karl for me. I know I deserve this, but you, Nicky, don´t deserve it… however, and tell this to Karl, I don´t regret having done what I did” the woman guided Nichole´s hand to her cheek.

“Why are you calling me Nicky?” Nichole couldn´t help but ask, she´d thought the woman was senile when she started to talk, but she was calling her name and she clearly knew her father, she knew his new name. The woman didn´t answer, her heart had started to beat faster and faster, her breathing was hard and so was Nichole´s except that she was used to that feeling by now, no, you could never get use to the feeling of dying over and over again but human beings are capable of adaption, Nichole had done so, she´d blocked it with the years. “Isn´t that the short name for Nichole?” the old lady said losing her grip on the girl’s hand.

“How do you know Karl?” Nichole inquired. The gray haired woman seemed amused at that question, almost as if she was in no pain, but she was. “Poor, Nicky, you don´t know a thing, do you? ... You should ask your father that” the woman closed her eyes and her head hung to a side. Nichole´s heart went back to her normal beating as she observed the old woman who looked as if she was just sleeping.

Like a jolt of electricity the gray haired woman´s words made echo in Nichole´s mind. This woman had met her and her father, moreover, she´d met her mother and she knew what she did… how? And why had her father wanted to make her go. Was he aware of her knowing of her secret? That´d make sense, it´d be a threat to one of his assets, but if it was so, he wouldn´t have sent her personally, he wouldn´t have wanted her to have questions… it had to be something else.  What had she done for him to hate her?  She knew, however, that she couldn´t ask her father, she´d tried a couple of times when she was little, he´d only given her an ice-cold glare and a twisted mouth.  No one really told her why she did what she did but she was there to do it and she couldn´t stop. She´d killed her mother, she was a bad person, and she had to kill bad people to atone for it, but this woman, what could´ve she done? And the bartender? He’d seen nice enough and too young to have a list of sins to be a bad person. What was happening? She wondered.

The girl walked inside the house, looking for anything that could tell her how she´d known about her and why she hadn´t run away from her. She wanted to know why it was the woman herself to guide her hand to her skin, she´d known about her secret. She searched throughout the house but there was nothing that could indicate she´d known her or Karl until she went back to the room from where she´d entered, on a corner on top of a small table there was a picture, the same picture that she´d seen in the house of another one of her victims, it was the picture of an unfocused baby and hands holding it with her mother´s signature on a corner as well as a “thank you” handwritten above it.  Nichole went to the table and opened the drawer, there was a black book, she took it and realized it was a journal; it was probably of the woman that had died that night. Nichole took it and put it on her small backpack and searched for more but there was none, however on the patio there was a large trashcan with ashes and burnt paper that was probably the rest of the journals.