burnt

*** Not worth reading it*** way too long and it says nothing... just another one of my rants***

It´s been a while since I haven´t felt like writing Me in here. It´s been too overwhelming to even write.
"Everything burns" I thought of it, I felt it. I remembered of a song a friend showed me once, it had that sentence on it.
"what when everything burns? -I thought- what when everything burns?" I listen to the song. I found a version in which a man is singing. In the version I heard a couple of years ago a female was singing. I wonder now as I wondered then if my friend felt like the lyrics. I feel sad because maybe she did but maybe she just liked the voice or the composition... My thoughts drift as they always do when I get too close to myself but fat tears always guide me unwillingly back to Me.

I like it here because I don´t have to be, I just can be. Be the always gray and pessimist without having to smile and say "I´ll be ok" because I know how people feel sad when they see me blue, even if it´s not a vast population, it´s the world for me. I am Atlas.

This is the songhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2j4FFFkEkgo I keep going back to that time. Did my friend feel like the lyrics?

I feel a little like the lyrics now except that I don´t sing myself to sleep but cry myself to sleep but I never cry. "You look good, you seem to be doing better" people say. I smile and sometimes I even nod. I feel like I´m lying. I´m not doing better. Narcotics take me through the day. I´m off them the last couple of days ´cause it burns and it all sets in fire and floods.

I want to scream but I have no voice. My new story starts off with suicide. I been thinking a lot about it lately. I´ve always said that it requires to be brave. I know I´m not brave and I have no heart to make the one single heart that loves me suffer.

I guess I was depressed indeed. I got depression pills to go along with my pain meds just because those are supposed to make one think more about death. I've been quiet ok with the shit that life´s been throwing my way. Secrets kept where everybody can see them are the best kept. I can´t stop the tears coming out of my eyes. Warm drops of useless salty water. I had been taking the pain meds and the bonus ones for over a month until everything burns and I´m two days off of them and I'm braking again, having a melt down one of those where my most liked and hated trait gets enhanced: I'm a walking contradiction.

I was angry. They say at church that when you´re sad you should seek God. I tore off two pages of my Bible, a book that I haven´t touched in too many months. Was that a sin? I´m a walking contradiction, I didn´t have the courage to rip off the firs page of Job as I wanted but I only managed to tore off two blank pages, blank except for my gratitude for a few things I prayed for once.

Once again I haven´t left my bed. I don´t want to leave it. My responsible side is fighting with myself now. I know I won´t want to get up tomorrow to go to work. I want to stop talking to the world. My eyes are red as well as my nose and lips. My brother promised to come and visit. I hope he doesnt come, he always feels sad when he sees me like this. I can´t stop the tears, don´t they ever run dry?
Brother told me the brother of one of his colleagues commit suicide. You´ll be the next one I said. He called me rude names at that, I didn´t mind, we tend to do that, we never mean it, never. I laughed. He cares, I love him and he wouldn´t understand.

Will you get married? will you have children? some kids asked me. I give a negative answer to both questions. They asked why. I try to give the "official" version of the answer. So like me, why I don´t say it all? because it´s irresponsible, it´d be irresponsible if I did so. I want to say I don´t believe in marriage, I want to say I´m no good for either of the things they´ve asked not because I´m selfish -which I am- but because I wouldn´t give anything good and because I just want to disappear. What if you found somone that loved you a lot, one of the children ask, he´s what ppl see as a bad boy, he´s got a good sould I conclude for his question, he still wants to believe. I smile, I´d have to break their heart I say, because I´m never specific in those questions, it´s always a person never a possibility or a shape.

What if, he adds, what if you loved that person -he uses the neutral word I've used, I wonder sometimes if ppl notices that- so much that you´d want to be with them and make them happy and just stay with them and make a family. I smile because he wants to believe. I open my mouth to speak I want to say something generic to him, just like i always do, because I don´t want ppl to get too close to Me. No words came out of my mouth because a memory had taken over my mind so I gave up, I´ve thought of it, I say not going around the bushes for once in this matter, I want to say that I thought of it once and that my mind gave up and I knew I´d give up for that love, that love that I often offend because I do think it´s crap and not real or just real for a short moment, but instead of that I just say I don´t know, I haven´t lived that so I couldn´t really answer and that´s a lie through and through, I´m bad at lying I always say but it´s another lie it seems I´m very good at lying when it means I can keep ppl out... and I´m letting people in with this but it´s ok, because no body is here... I´m alone and I can be Me whoever that is, I don´t have to say I´ll be ok because I don´t know if I´ll be right now it feels like a lie because I don´t feel ok and tears keep coming oout of my eyes. I was ok until a couple of days ago when I couldn´t take my meds anymore because everything burnt.

"Aren´t those pills supposed to make ppl addict?" my friend said the other day when she came over to my place. I cant wait for the day in which I don´t have to take them I said... but I´m crying and I wish I could take them so that I can stop but it burns...

Take all that negative energy and turn it into creative force, that´s what i´ve always said to myself. I´ve created letters, stories, poetry, rants, more stories, cards, drawings, paintings, stains on my walls, doodles on my notebooks, a tattoo on my skin... but sometimes it´s too much. Lately´s been a lot... my next story is my plan I turned it into creative shit because it´s in a way what I want to do and what I´ve been about to do but not really about to because I´ve been to away from it.

"You need a boyfriend" my boss said. "You need a boyfriend and I know who wants to be" my mother said. "You should get a boyfriend" one of my friends teased me or has teased me since highschool. "you need to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, whatever you prefer" one of my friends said -the way she said it made me mad- "let me know when you get a girlfriend" another friend told me, for some reason she think I´d be good for a relationship. Everybody thinks I need a boyfriend or at least thinks it would help... looking at the biological processes that it´d trigger I kind of agree, free of consequences chemicals that´d made my brain stupid adding the blessing of thinking that things are good or can be good... but they don´t know, do they? I want no one and the reason I have I know are perfectly contradicted, there are ppl who can love other ppl for who they are flaws included, I know, even I have felt that but that´s the problem why would I want to that to anybody?

It´s said in the Bible something like... it´ll b engraved in your heart and by "it" it means God´s commands or his words or something along those lines... It´s so very true, if it wasn´t so I would be long gone. I just wonder why it seems that ppl that want to live die and ppl that want to die live.

Everything burns... and no body sees the fire and I wouldn´t let anybody see it, what if they get burn too?