Both sides of the moon

A night wasted crying over an image.

Tears of pain. Very expensive tears.

Blinded by my own heart.

Fooled by my own soul.

Darkness has taken over the light.

The candle I have is burned out...

I cant see a thing, not even my own hands.

The sun is perfect outside;

inside the night has become everlating.

The moon`s taken over my insights.

How much I love the night sky!

How much I love the pale moon!

I long so much the singings of the night

it makes my heart content.

it makes me smile.

My eyes see the contrast between the shining sun outside my skin

and the chilling night inside.

My heart can feel the frozen air blowing over my face

and the burning sun in my soul.

Fallen angel

Chapter 25****Demon****

“what are you doing?” Ayon´s voice sounded in the room. I knew I was fainted but I still could listen to them.
“didn’t you have enough there, demon? I can send you back” I had believed in Passio´s words, why? ´look at the answer in you´ her voice like a whisper in my head. ´Does your heart says I´m telling the truth?´ Her voice was so soothing.

“you´ll hit her too, if you do that!” she said to Ayon.
“then stop hiding behind her and come to me” his voice hard, a voice that I had never heard in him.
“I´m holding her not hiding”
“give her to me” I heard he made a sound with his fingers. Then I felt my bed under me.

“Get her” Ayon said and I could felt other spirits in the room ´save his soul´ I heard in my head and “save her soul” in the room said by Passio´s voice. She was gone then.

“I´ll be back” he said in my ear softly “watch her” he commanded the other spirits. ´No!´ I shouted, or so I thought, actually, I couldn’t talk, nor open my eyes but I was conscious. He left. The spirits got close.

“Shiloe said the prince had a source”
“let´s get some”
“yeah, maybe we can overpower that bastard” many voices said. Then they laugh. Ayon had awoken as Passio said. They were getting close. They wanted to touch me. I could sense they were filled with lust ´No!´ I said in my head, then I heard screamings and cursings. A second later I felt Ayon´s presence again. He shouted “didn’t I told you not to touch her!” more screamings ´compassion´ my heart said and I managed to open my eyes. I dont know a word to describe what I saw other than a slaughter with the difference there were no humans but me on the scene. Many spirits were on the floor and many others bowing to Ayon´s feet.

“lord…” he kicked that one. One got close to me, he was grabbing the side of my bed to get up but his hand touched my finger and well, I couldn’t help to dislike him, that is, he flown away from me. Ayon turned. We saw each other. He smiled. I couldn’t.

“Eimi?” all I could do was blink
“what did she do to you?” more blinks. He lifted me and carry me in his arms. “Go tet her” all spirits went away. He screamed in pain then he hugged me tightly “no, Eimi, not you” his heart had the same rhythm that the first time I had listened to it. I was tired. It all started to go black.

When I woke up, Ayon was there next to me, his back rested on the edge of my bed, just like the time when he had come and we had talked for the last time. That rainy day. I wanted to touch his hair. I couldn’t move… A beep went louder. He turned quickly to see a machine and a man followed by nurses entered, then Criss. The machine measured my pulse.

The doctor checked on me and then with Criss´ cough everybody went out but Ayon.

“I need to talk to her in private” he said. Ayon said nothing. “Please, go out” no words from Ayon “else I´ll call security”

“try” Ayon said in a threatening voice. He was again in the same place he had been when I opened my eyes. It was as if he didn’t want to look at me. Criss sighed.

“Eimi, I need to talk to you. Please, blink once for yes and two for no, do you understand?” I did understand that, what I didn’t understand was how he knew I couldn’t talk. I blinked once.
“first of all, I´m so happy you are awake”
“don’t touch her” Ayon said
“may I hug you Eimi?” Criss said emphasizing my name. I blinked three times. He was surprised. Then I blinked once. He hugged me. “you have paralisis, Eimi, we don’t know the cause yet. For over a month doctors have tried everything but the cause remains unknown… so we decided to bring you back home, I thought it was better for you to be here than in a hospital” he smiled, I blinked once “now, I need to talk to you alone about the last night you remember, so could you let me know so I can tell Mr. Crusos here” he pointed Ayon wich apparently had taken my lastname since I knew nor angels nor demons have a last name “to go away for a while at least” it was clear that Criss didn’t like Ayon at all “do you want him to go?” I blinked twice. I wanted Ayon close. Criss was taken aback. “do you want to talk alone later?” I blinked twice –no- “you don’t want to talk about it?” I blinked three times.

“she wants you to ask her now, with me here, you idiot!” Ayon said. He knew what I wanted without even looking at me. Criss saw me. I blinked once –yes-
“ok” he sighed “mr. Crusos is a suspect of being the one that cause your state…though the cause, as I said, remains unknown, doctors agree it could happen if you got hit in a key spot of your neck or back or some chemichal that did this to you and since he was the last person to be with you and he has no will to talk about what happened…”

“ask her already, you´re making her tired” he was right
“now you talk?” Criss said harsh to Ayon “Eimi, did he harmed you in any way?”
-no-
“did he gave you anything that night?”
-yes-
“what was it?”
“how the hell she´ll anwswer that, you moron, don’t you see she cant talk! I gave her a cup of tea!” Ayon said annoyed.
“Eimi?”
-yes-
“did it taste funny?”
-no-
“now, Eimi, when we found you, when he called us and he was going to be taken away for questions he hurt some bodyguards, and policemen and damaged certain things here… do you want to present charges against him?”
-no-
“no?” he was clearly surprised
-no-
“do you wish him to be here?”
-yes-
“can I be here?” I blinked three times. “three times, Eimi? What is it?” it hurt me seeing Cris trying so hard to understand me.
“she wants you around, she wishes to talk to me now” Ayon said.
“Eimi?”
-yes-
“ok, those guys over there will stay here just in case” Criss pointed the guys on the corners of my bedroom. Bodyguards.
-no-
“you don’t want them here? Is for you safety”
-no-
-no-
-no-
“ok, but the ones outside the door will remain”
-no-
“Eimi, is for your safety”
-no-
“it´s ok Eimi, he is worried too” Ayon told me, still without looking at me.
-yes-
“they may stay?”
-yes-
“by the way, I´ve taken your place at the company and as you legal spokesman…all this since I was you right hand” Ayon chuckled. He knew what I thought about right hands ´they´re to clean up the mess´ I had said once.
-yes-
“ok, I´ll be back in five”
-no-
“an hour?”
“she´ll ask for you don’t overwhelm her with that many questions, go away!” Ayon was impatient
“may I…” Criss said leaning to kiss my forehead
-yes-
Everybody left after him. He closed the door and I could sense him behind the door.
“go away! She knows you´re there” Ayon raised his voice. He left then.

crecer?

que debo de crecer, eso dijo ella, que debo madurar... Puedo recordar ya una vez anterior que dijo eso. Era una especie de profecia/maldicion... No dejó nunca de decir que los pajarillos siempre son lanzados del nido para poder volar, eso significaba, te daré una patada para lanzarte y que vueles o quizá era un "querida preparate que lo peor esta por venir!"

La dichosa profecia/maldición llegó la otra vez y tremenda patada recibí. Me sentí estrellar contra las rocas y espinas en el suelo. Me rasgaron la piel y sangré por muchos dias... las cicatrices estan aun ahi. Hoy ha vuelto a decir que debo crecer!!! otra vez! es que será que para mi no existe piedad?

Nunca articulé mis anhelos, mis deseos sin embargo siempre estuvieron listos a mostrarse en el papel. Recuerdo que nunca desee lo que hoy es una realidad. Deseaba siempre volver, volver una y otra vez. Siempre deseo lo imposible y me desespero por la falta de posibilidad que existe en ello.

Cuando peque veia tan lejos este dia, aun asi nunca desee que llegara.  Menos que un ser humano completo y ya queria quedarme ahi. Siendo peque no deseaba dejar de serlo, el tiempo no sé doblega a mis deseos, de ser lo que era a lo que soy, paso en un abrir y cerrar de ojos, nunca lo quise. Reloj detente! nunca me obedeció. La naturaleza me moldeó a la fuerza y con dolor como burlandose de mi y crei que era yo quien la habia burlado al mantener las camaras de mi alma selladas, como siempre habian estado... cual guerra antigua en donde un madero golpea una y otra vez las puertas de la ciudad hasta derribarlas asi ha llegado nuevamente la naturaleza a mi... una vez mas se burla de mi  y aun asi voy en contra de ella buscando rehuirle lo mas que puedo, viendo si puedo cruzar una vereda distinta, ir por un camino nunca antes caminado.

vida que no es vida, es muerte. Debes madurar dijo ella, y para que? qué sentido tiene, solo para poder soportar el peso del mundo sobre mi, nunca lo he pedido, no quiero ser la heroina del cuento, ni siquiera el personaje secundario, ni aun el punto que adorna a la i. Risas que no son risas, son duelo. Que proposito tiene, pregunte yo, porque cuando pasan las cosas ya no te importan... no sientes nada. Estupidos sentimiento, una vida construyendolos, una vida deconstruyendolos, para que? para que?

la mayor inflacion es la de las sonrisas, por un par de sonrisas puras y verdaderas, un sinfin de dolor y sufrimiento. Vida que no es vida, es muerte. Debes madurar... sabes lo que sucede cuando el fruto madura? pues veras, el tiempo pasa y sigue madurando hasta que un dia cae y se destripa contra el suelo y ya no es hermoso y nadie lo quiere, muere y muestra su muerte bajo las risas de los insectos que aun muerto lo despedazan de a poco... el fruto deja su fragancia como prueba de que existio... el viento se lleva esto tambien.... muere.

maldición

estoy cansada del aqui y del ahora.
El presente es una maldición
y el futuro una promesa de muerte
el pasado, mas nada, que una cicatriz que aun duele

quiero volver, quiero volver al tiempo donde el aire no era necesitado
quiero regresar a ser invisible
más aun quiero volver al vacio, al polvo
ser nada más un punto de energia en el infinito espacio
o ser nada si es que la nada existe y fue eso en algun momento.

estoy cansada y harta de esperar promesas que nunca se cumplen
estoy cansada de creer que soy amada cuando solo recibo desprecio
estoy harta de temer el juicio cuando de todos modos ya parezco estar condenada
estoy cansada de tener esperanza, pues la esperanza solo se tiene cuando de todo lo demás se carece

necesito exterminar las letras, las palabras que nacen de este monton de celulas
indeseables, inservibles, nunca amadas.
la vida no es vida es muerte
y la muerte es nada.

preguntas retoricas

xq me siento tan desesperada!!??
tengo tanto q hacer q no hago nada! x Dios, no hago nada!! stoy desesperada, quisiera salir corriendo para no sé donde.... veo que no tengo donde ir, q horrible!
Me quiero ir, me quiero quedar, xq?
quiero olvidar, quiero recordar cada minimo detalle xq?
me siento perdida, pero sé cual es el camino a seguir y aun asi no me muevo xq?

Mi mundo ha dado vuelta hasta un extraño angulo, hoy, xq?
no tengo fuerzas para empujarlo hasta su pocision de nuevo, q hacer?
gira muy rapido asi que tampoco le puedo mantener el paso, q hacer?

Todo parece dolorosamente irreal, mis sueños se han vuelto fantasmas que me persiguen y me roban la calma, me dejan vacía con una sonrisa falsa en un rostro de marmol para que las pupilas que danzan frente a mi no entren a esa dimension helada... sin embargo, puede ser que sea precisamente eso lo que necesito. Miedo, se ha vuelto eso una constante. Crece y crece, me engulle cruelmente....

Estoy desesperada!? xq?
xq? xq? xq? xq me pasan cosas que yo nunca quise, nunca las pedí? xq?

Fallen angel

Chapter 24****Plan****
“a talk” she said. “let me have that” her voice polite. I started to cry. Ayon´s name was echoing in my head. I started to walk to her awfully mad.
“he´s fine” she said. I stopped. “I wish I could send you where you want to be, wasn’t that what you told him once?”
“he´s not in heaven!” I said angry
“no, he´s not but you can send him there” I was surprised but I knew I couldn’t trust something like her. “that´s why I want a talk” she said
“well, here I am, am I not?” I said taking a seat. If there was a tiny chance to do that, I was going to take it.
“he is now in hell as you assume. It was not Shiloe that sent him. She couldn’t. he was too powerful of a demon to her. It was Michael´s sword who did it. It is specially made to do that kind of job.”
“and that matters to me because?”
“because your sould really loves him. Shiloe needed to be punished for making an angel fall. What better way of doing it that a human wich she considered weak and worthless and used as an object by Ayon to humiliate her and punish her?”
“he´s there and no here or where he wants to be… that´s all I care for, no who needs to be punished or not”
“and that´s another reason why you were appropriate to punish her, you were not enjoying to make her suffer… Ayon said you are pure, right? He always said that, he also prayed for your soul… this was the answer to his prayers… do you remember? The songs you liked so much, he wanted your sould to always be as pure as it was when he met you”
“don’t blame this on him. You sent him there and now he´s suffering”
“no, it is not like he thought it was going to be” she said giving an answer to a silent question my mind had made while remembering how Ayon had described hell “he´s in a place pretty much like this, though he is there laying on the floor, you touching his face and unprotected before Shiloe and three versions of me… and he cant do nothing”
“no God no! forgive him! Forgive him, take his sould to your side, father help him!” I said crying. My hands over my temples.
“I told you this is the answer to his prayers but also to yours” Passio started to sing. It was the song Ayon had sand when I had been sick. Tears were like a stream in my eyes.
“don’t torture me!” I shouted
“ that was what the song said, it was a pray isnt it, it is also what´s in your prayers too, right? That was what you wanted for him too, right? Well it´s been complicated… two souls to save, two souls to heal, though the last part you did for each other. now you know that a sin has come to your soul. It is called loving a demon”
“so love is restricted? Isnt love the greatest gift to everyone and everything?!”
“have you forgotten the definition of sin he gave you? Well that is the deffinition of sin and you know you´re commiting it. Moreover if you make him love you in the same way… it would be as if he fall all over again… humans with humans must be”
“why? It´s not fair!” I raised my voice
“no, it wont be fair for him” she smiled. It didn’t make sense “you see, when you die what he´ll do? If he will be unable to go to heavens to you?... he will be a wanderer mourning for you for ever…it´s no fair, right?”
“I don’t want him to be sad” I said in a murmur.
“I know but there´s something you can do to make it right…. You are the one with the power to make it right”
“tell me!”
“step one:” she smiled “he had to choose between being selfish –a demon- between Shiloe –his sin- or you –being selfless like an angel should be. he was confused and he ask you, good choice, your love for him made you selfless and you chose for him ´fight the sword´you said and showed him and reminded him to be pure”
I blushed. So in a way he had chosen me, maybe not for love but because it was the right thing to do. Passio smiled happily but something in her eyes told me she was not telling me something.
“you´ll see on due time” she said and winked.
“continue, please” I said eagerly.
“step two: he goes to hell, he´s living this scene over and over, he feels powerless and awakes completelly the demon in him”
“no!” I said in a sigh. I knew that was the last thing he wanted to do.
“this time it will be for the right reasons… not for vengeance, not for himself but for you, therefore his angel side though crushed wont go away”
“can´t..” she interrupted me before I could finish “it´ll be the only way he´ll be able to go out of there”
“step three: it´s all up to you. He´ll be back… in short. You´ll have to distroy his body, you´ll have to want to pass on him all you energy without the protection of your love so that all that he is be disintegrated”
“I have to kill him?” I said shocked
“energy cant be killed, remember? You´ll have to transform him but for that you´ll have to made him unconscious of himself, reduced to elements only… it is sort of a re-start point where you must send him. He wont remember nothing not even having existed. He´ll be new so he will be able to go back where you think he wants to be”
“up to me?” how was I going to make him go through such pain? “cant HE do it?”
“remember Ayon prayed for your soul too? HE know you love him but also knows you will get hurt if he doesn’t love you back. You´re already commiting the sin of hurting you own soul”
“I love him, I want his happiness” it was the first time I had said it out loud. It became solid in me.
“that´s why you want to do it right, isnt it? Don’t worry, it´ll only hurt a while because you know he will be happy and when you see a stary night or a bright moon you´ll remember that was his deffinition of heavens and you´ll know he´ll be there so it´ll be ok. But it´s up to you to save both of your souls else you´ll just hurt him for making him love you and hurt you for making him sad after you die and go to a cold place… up to you Aka Eimi” I didn’t know why she kept saying ´making him love me as if one could force other to do so. I was about to ask her when she put her index finger over her mouth, got to my side and pass her hand over my face.

Fallen angel

Chapter 23 ****choices****

“choose” she said “the human that keeps you here and wraps you so that you don’t be reduced to nothing” I heard a whisper in my ear `the human that loves you´don’t say that I pleaded in my mind. ´I wont´the whisper replied. She continued, only the Passio next to me talked, the others were in silence. “choose” she pointed to his left “Shiloe, the one that you…love, the one that help you to be who you are now” don’t, I said in my head ´I must´I heard her voice in my head too. “choose” she pointed to his right “your own existence hidden here where no one knows who you really are, no rejection…Choose one to figth for, of course the other two will disappear for you”
I could sense that a lot of time had passed but the day didn’t seem to come.
“Eimi” sadness in his voice. I knew he was not choosing me, he was asking me what to do. I smiled.
“if I were the one to choose for you, I would choose to take right, your life here were you wanted to be at least once” I said to remind him our talk were he said earth was a middle ground and that he, on that moment, wanted to be here and no where else, since heaven was closed for him and hell was not his place “but follow your heart my angel” between his life, his love and me. I knew the prior two had priority because it was only right to be that way. He said nothing, he observed his options, then he lifted his head to the sky and moaned in pain. Then he opened his eyes, he saw me for less than a second and he became invisible. Shiloe and the Passio with the sword came running to the place I was, Shiloe glaring at me and Passio smiling. The room where it all had happened seemed to have grown thousand times because they never seemed to end the distance between us. When Shiloe and the sword seemed close enough to kill me I closed my eyes and longed to have had the time to confess my feelings to him. I was going to die. I thought that at least that way the pain of loving him without the posibility to have him was going to be releaved. They finally got to me and I smiled because at least I had felt love even if the one I had love hadnt felt the same way. I smiled because I had been able to heal all my past wounds and because I could smile only thanks to that demon-angel.
Time was like crazy that night, for moments it was so slow, then so fast, then at its normal speed. The truth is that Shiloe´s hand and Michael´s sword in Passio´s hand never got to me. They stopped at Ayon´s back. He had protected me. He was smiling at me and looking at me with his beautiful green eyes.
“thanks, Eimi” he said and fall to the ground. The sword half way crossing his heart and the wound Shiloe made to his neck and ribs bleeding copiously. I started to scream and fall to my knees. I put my hand in Ayon´s cheeck but when I touched him his body became ashes that the wind blew. I was screaming like crazy. Passio became one. She was seated on my bed, watching me. Shiloe, in contrast with Passio, was laughing.
“of course it had to be you!” she said “I wish I had thought of it and be the one to send him to hell”
I frowned.
“how can you be that way!?” I shouted at her “he loved you! He loved you, you had his heart and you laugh at his despair”
She saw me and stop laughing “oh, the poor human had an urequited love! Oh, poor you! You see I´m much more worthy of love than you! That silly prefered me to you” she said mockingly.
“stupid” I said “this is not about who he loved, this is about who is worth enough to feel love!”
“how dare you insult me?” she wanted to slap my face. I wanted to destroy her. She didn’t got to hit me, before she could touch my skin cracks were formed in her skin, blood flooded through them. She started to scream. “stop, bitch!” she said to me.
“it was your personal goal to make him suffer!” I was shouting at her “it was mine to make him better and you came and attacked him” all of me was determined to vanish her, I didn’t care if I was killed in the attempt. Ayon had told me I could do it since I was a pure source capable of control it. I hadnt belived it but I couldn’t help to do it when I was so mad.
“I had to! I had to! You don’t know what is like to be down there! I had to be able to come to earth and stay more time here. I had to!” she was crying. I only made me angry. Even more.
“if you know what is like then why you send someone that loved you! Don’t you feel compassion?”
“I had to!” I could hear her insights cracking under my energy “I cant, I cant, I´m a demon!”
“he was too! Yet he still loved you!” she screamed louder
“he chose you…”
“enough!” Passio interrupted her. I was not going to listen to her either. She had stricken the fatal wound after all. For some reason I lifted my hands as if lifting some weight that I throw to Shiloe, then she was dust that the ground swallow.
I turned to Passio. She was now sat on a chair.