Bright Red

I am sorry.
I do want to listen to your words
not like this, though, when I´ve just realized this path.
She is yours as well
but she is all that I can´t be.
She is the floating dream in my head.
She is the one who watches the mist come and go.
She is the one who colors my thoughts in bright red.
She is the one that breaks the silence and emptiness.
She is like the dark side of the moon: unknown.
Despite the shades that we create,
we both love you, we both belong to you permanently
but we both want to be who you want us to be.

Plan and decide

I went out with an old friend today. We have spent many years being friends and as the time goes by we change and grow. Our ways have changed but, gladly, we still have things to share. I told her about my worries and she was simple and somehow emotionally unsupportive -not much like she used to be- despite that, she did said something that makes sense, to her it´s all about plan and decide. Plan and decide without taking into account anything else but me. It was very hard when she said it, somehow true though.

To me, it´s hard: I dont want to hurt the feelings of the ones involved and I dont want to let anybody down and I dont want to be ungreatful to anybody but it seems that such reasons leave me without choice and perhaps there´s a way but I just cant see it now.

While we walked through the mall -the place where we went to hang out- we entered in a couple of libraries and I was looking for "Just dont fall" by Josh Sundquist (that I´ve mentioned a lot lately but I totally admire the man) she asked me what was it about and I explained that it was about his life that was inpiring and motivational, she totally dismissed it. "Why do you need a motivational book?" she said. "Let me be, I said, maybe I need motivation to keep going" Im not mad at her or anything at all, I know that Im not the most optimistic person in this world but Im making a bit of an effort (funny fact: right when I wrote "Im making a bit of an effort" I saw fireworks -literally- someone used fireworks, just like 3 but they were nice and it made the moment so movie-like) once again, Im not mad at her, I understand that she cannot understand me now, as probably I havent been able to understand some of her feelings at times, it´s ok and I wish in a way that I could see things like she sees them in this matter.

I think you´ve taken too many responsibilities, she also said, and maybe she´s right, maybe I thought I was more capable than what I really am, maybe I had too much faith in myself or in God even and maybe now Im commiting a sin by doubting of God´s mighty will and mercy idk ... and right after the day I said I was going to try to let go of things....

And speaking of letting go of things... it seems that my parents arguments and fights (if that was a fight) keep upseting me when I thought that whatever they do with their marriage, relationship, family or whatever was not going to matter for me... I guess it´s like putting together a broken glass...it´s amazing but it´s possible to brake it into smaller pieces.... and I cant help but to think that I dont want ever to marry, it seems that as time goes by it´s just a legal contract, a part to play and it´s sad that Im already disappointed of "love till death do us part" when I havent even known the futile, juvenile, chemical, stupid, impulsive love stuff though more than known, lived I guess.... well, perhaps Im not loosing anything just being saved of the part to play.

Double life: Help-less

There was a tense atmosphere in the classroom all due to the feared Math test. Josh could see how everybody was in a different mood, some even seem to be really quiet and still as if moving would made them lose all their knowledge. He had studied but he was a bit more relaxed, for some reason he had believed Nic´s words. Every one was tense but Nic. The girl seemed to be as distracted as every other day, always looking out of the window. “Don’t you get bored?” Josh asked and expected to surprise her. “I’m not here” she said still looking out the window. There was the hint of a smile on her face. “I can see that... Are the tests hard over here?” “They´re tests, they´re supposed to be hard... no, not really. You´ll be fine” she never move her gaze from the window. A couple of girls, among them the ones who where giggling and staring at him in the library -one of them Michelle, the one that had kissed Aaron- went to his place and started a conversation, ignoring Nic on purpose. She couldn’t care less. Right before the teacher got in, she got a phone call. It was strictly forbidden to use cellphones during class. At the entrance there was a shelf designed so that everybody left their phones there, but apparently she had decided not to obey such rule. She got the call and just put the phone to her ear, never she said a single word. Her gaze seemed to hardened right after a flicker of pain passed through her big brown eyes. When the teacher got in with a stack of papers -the tests- she got to her feet to talk to him. He seemed to inquire but ended up saying “If you go, you´ll loose your grade” she sighed and said “OK, thanks” and without going back for her things she went away. She ran trying to swallow the tears of anger and frustration. She had practice with that. She ran to her room to grab her always ready bag and changed her clothes quickly then came out from the window and ran again straight through the many trees in the school campus right ahead of her building, once she jumped off the wall that separated the school grounds from the main street she had a mask of false pride and a tough attitude. There, as every time that she got those hideous phone calls, was a black car, the type that is designed to go through all types of ground but expensive enough to be used by elegant people, but for her, this was just a funeral car. The driver knew the way, that wordless man always in black suit. He handed her an envelope. He barely looked her, maybe he knew what would happen if he dared to do more since in his eyes was the look of lust. “If anyone tries to touch you and you don’t want to, just make them go” had said her father, probably the only kind words he had said in years. The driver didn’t need to talk, it was all said to her. They got to the airport. She sighed. Nic showed up to class a week later, but it´s more accurate to say that she went back to school a week later, she didn´t attend to class right when she came back. Josh kept staring out the window, in the direction of the wall he´d almost fallen from. The teacher had reprimanded him a little while ago for that same reason. He wasn’t answering his questions. But Josh was really distracted. Watching through the window he thought he had seen a shadow. His lips curved up a little into a smile. “Mr. Arlington, the teacher said, if you don’t want to be in my class you can go out!” of course that wasn’t true, you had to be there whether you liked it or not. This time Josh focused in the man talking in front but he was the first to go out as soon as the bell rang. He wandered for a while through the woods and right on the stone wall, there was Nic, her knees against her chest and her head leaned on them. “Nic! You´re back!” “Yeah” her voice was hoarse and barely audible “Are you ok? Have you gone to the infirmary?” he said getting closer “I´ll be fine” she said in that same hoarse voice “Let me see you…” he was about to lean and touch her forehead when she suddenly arose and looked him with fierce eyes “Do not touch me, ever” “I just wanted to..” “No! never, do not touch me” “But...you look really bad, just go to the infirmary” “Leave me alone” she jumped to the wall and started running over the edge of it. Josh on the ground, followed her. She was fast so he had to push himself to follow her. For moments she looked back and seemed to plead him to stop but she kept running. She was starting to get tired for her pace was slower. Right when Josh caught up to her she stopped and fall to a side. Like a leave falls from the tree, she put no resistance to it. He rushed to catch her and they fall to the ground, she on top of him. She had fainted. He got up and tried to lift her. She opened her eyes. “No, just leave me” she said weakly. “You´re sick, for God´s sake!” he tried to lift her and she couldn’t help it. She was too week. “You are burning girl! I´ll take you to the infirmary” “No, no, please, no. Just leave me, leave me” she pleaded hoarsely. He started to walk to the path that led to the infirmary. “Josh, please, no” her eyes were filled with tears and her head barely stayed still. “Why? don’t you feel bad?” “My room, my room, ta-take me there” her breathing was hard and he didn’t know if to do as she said was the best option but he decided to oblige. For the whole walk she closed her eyes and stayed quiet even when he asked her if she was ok. He was worried. Once they got closer to the entrance of the girls dorm she talked. “Put me down, please” when he saw hesitation in him she continued “I wont run away. But if you want to come in you can’t bring me in like this...” he put her down, her legs were weak and she faltered. “You can’t walk, we should go to the infirmary” “Just put you arm around my waist and help me walk. Act less worried ok?”

my own fault

This makes me very sad, or maybe the tittle of this hurts my pride, I even shiver just at the thought of it... not a big deal perhaps but there lays the main thing of it all. "It all" is that I just can´t cope with stress -oh, no big deal,  many may say, and I sort of agree, but in my case it´s become a big deal to the point that it´s taken me to the hospital and that makes me feel so...silly, fragil mostly and I dont like fragil.

I guess I don´t have much emotional intelligence and I keep wondering when did it start, I use to know what to do and writing was a great therapy *laughs* but as I grew older it seems that I knew less and less. Just dont give a s**t mom said, as if I could do that. I guess I worry too much, maybe I´m just a time bomb... who knows. I guess what´s around me affects me too much and the fact that I cant let go so easily of things make it worst.

When I was little I met this friend of my father, Juanito, this man was older than my father, he was always laughing. Only to think of it makes me remember the sound of his voice. And he had lot´s of responsibilities and was great architect and had a hectic life but no matter what kind of day or situation he was in, he was always seeing the bright side! and maybe that´s my problem, I just dont see the bright side...

So, from now on I´ll try to see the bright side and work in letting things go. I owe it to myself I guess.

wandering 13: Broken glass

Once again on the go...I´ll try to correct any mistakes and stuff, but be aware that it´s Anna so, she´s not exactly reasonable or follows a pattern, this is just like what she finds most oppressing/bad in her brain. I really felt like explaining haha. I have a song for this part that fits also for parts 11 and 12: falling inside the black by skillet
*****

The white light made her face look paler than usual. Dark eyes on a pale face, closed mouth, a stare was what Anna was seeing. The mirror was squeaky clean and she was observing her face, her pale features, her dark eyes which seemed to hold darkness, emptiness... at that thought her eyes seemed to be made of glass about to brake. She quickly moved them away, enclosed her emotions, kept the emptiness inside, turned off the lights and stared at the shades and shadows in the room.

"What are we going to do for Christmas dinner?" Anna´s mother asked her the next morning when she went in the kitchen. The older woman was on vacation, Anna was on her way to school.
"I dont know" she said, wishing that she hadn´t come in the kitchen at all
"Come on, Anna! what do you want we to cook for that night?" her mom promted her
"I dont mind, just... anything would be fine"
"What´s the matter? You used to love planning Christmas dinner!"
"yeah..." She turned around to the door "Im leaving now" no answer.

Walking out the door she could feel the emptiness she had seen the night before hitting her and throwing her down to the ground. It was so tiring to walk around with that. "I used to love it" she murmured. Her brain couldnt help but to remember all those hollidays spent with her family, she knew it was not the dinner itself nor the night even less the gifts, it was the whole process, all the little details that took them to that point: the grocery shopping, the planning what dessert was going to be served, the sample tasting at the supermarket, the small fights over the decorations, the cooking together... all those things that were so simple and unimportant but made the difference and that was gone, long gone. Anna just wished that her family didnt try to force her to pretend those things were still there, they couldnt expect her to pretend to be hapilly spending time with the family when they barely talk, when they were miles away even if they lived under the same roof. She couldnt understand why her mother wanted to force her to pretend that everything was ok.

"So, we´ll go to the grocery store tomorrow" her mother said when she came back in the afternoon
"I won´t go"
"Do you have anything else to do?" she inquired frowning
"I just dont want to go..."
"But it´s our tradition...that´s what we do" she said as if it had never been interrupted, as if it was all the same
"I dont want to participate... just please, dont make me... you know it´s not the same as before, why ..." Anna stopped herself, she knew her mother was trying, or forcing, to get some sense of normalcy back
"Anna, please, why dont you make a little effort?" the woman said with that voice that meant she disapproved her not wanting to participate in the "traditions"
"just, please, I... dont include me this time" Anna forced a smile and walked away before her mother could command her to participate...though she knew the whole thing wasnt over yet...just delayed.

"It´s amazing how good memories can turn to bad ones, right?" Scire said, a whisper
"I wish I didnt have memories..." her eyes, once again  were broken glass.

2011 Cristmas

I really wanted to make this post yesterday, since in our country the 24th is way more important than the propper Cristmas day, the whole family dinner, visiting friends and relatives, the huggings at midnight all that maybe makes it so important over here, but I guess Im still on time since it´s today the official Cristmas day.

This reminded me that my aunty made me a snoopy t-shirt. 

I wasnt sure of what I wanted to say, maybe some kind of prayer for next year, maybe wished a happy birthday to baby Jesus -though we all know this is not really the time of the year when he was born- maybe just nostalgic and melancholic stuff, not sure at all but Im sure of what I want to write now, I just saw a post of the Sundquist family letter posted on Josh Sundquist blog (he´s a motivational speaker as well as an author and a very funny youtuber) anyways, instead of asking for things they wrote what they accomplished or sort of wrote about what they accomplished, so that´s what I want to do. That´s copying!! my mind says, well yes, it´s sort of copying but good things are woth to be imitated right? plus I plan to make it on my own way -starting with the fact that they just wrote a little and I just cant do that.

2011:

I graduated from college, one of the top moments for me, I´ve been wanting that since forever, and not only I graduated but I graduated cum laude and those words will always be in my diploma. It´s an awesome feeling of fullfillnes that it gave me. I got a house too and that´s something that I´ve been wanting, my own place, it makes me feel safe, of course I have to figure out the way to pay for it but I have a job and most likely will have my other job too so it has to be ok. 

Over all, 2011 has been a year of growing, of realizing who I am and what I can do, of being aware of my strenghs and weakeness and above all of knowing that when Im not strong enough there are always friends and family to help me go through had times. Thank you God for this year, despite all those bad things that happened, seeing the bright side, I´ve been blessed in so many ways. And to make reference to all those angels, I am also grateful for and to my friends and family.

in the morning

A beautiful landscape. At first it gives me the impression that it´s the sun rising but then, maybe it´s the sun setting and there lies the beauty of this picture -in my opinion, of course- the sun might be rising or setting, depends on what you see...

I owe this beautiful picture to my friend Cecy, esta genial, C! I guess I like to collect beautiful/thought-provocking stuff and this is one of those things.