Is it ok to write twice in a row? something´s in my mind at the moment, I knew it already but now it´s been worded. You see, one of the most important people for me is not happy. My beloved mom is not happy. She wants to get a divorce, again, but she´s unhappy because she says she made a mistake and she remembers that brother and I told her that she was making a mistake by re-marrying the same man again. Tears were spilled when she said that. I gave her the same kindness that she gave me when she saw me crying my heart out one day "If that makes you happy..." and that´s what I said to her, I don´t want her to be unhappy.
I was feeling really bad, because I´ve been feeling like sh*t these days and so I went to take a nap. In the process of falling asleep I started to think what would happen if she actually got divorced. I learned things about me. I thought of father, someone that I used to love with all my heart but hurt me deeply, I got to hate him at some point, remember?, then I thought I didn´t care but as I thought about the possibilities I realized that I felt bad for him, he has no where to go, no one to go to for help, he´s all alone if he´s not here, there´s no place for him, what´d he do? I was worried for him. I found a solution, he could go to live at my place and I´d visit him on the weekends because he has no body else, everybody thinks bad of him I guess he´s getting what he caused ... I realized I´m free of that hate, of that pain, I thought that wound wouldn´t heal but it seems it has and that´s great but it seems that now I care and that´s a little dangerous, it scares me because I have a great potential to get hurt again.
Later, after my nap I realized that if my mom is not married it´s very likely that she goes to visit her beloved friend at the U.S. He´s always loved my mother and I know she loves him back, maybe she´d even stay there and she deserves it, I know she would´ve done so much better with that man but of course there´s no way that could´ve been since there was me in the picture.
Those things lead me to think that, probably just like my father in a way, I´m all alone, I´d be all alone. Now that my brother´s with his own family and if it happens that my mom goes away, I´ll be all alone. I know my mother and brother will always love me yet they´d be having their own life, walking their own path and I´d be left behind. I don´t mind loneliness but I realized I don´t want to be alone and this whole thing maybe won´t happen, maybe it´s not that important, maybe I shouldn´t even think about it but right now the realization of that feels so heavy. I know I´d get used to it and it all has something good but I just... I don´t know, I must be thinking things too much and in the end it doesn´t matter because she´d be happy and as she said that one day, that´s all that I want for her.
I am overreacting, am I not?... yeah... maybe I just needed to take it out of my mind.
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