Born this way

ppfffft stealing that singer´s song tittle hahaha well in my defense, I do like that one particular song and yeah, like many, I´ve sang it at the top of my lungs lol -I might´ve broken a few windows with that though lol-
--********Rant warning*** skip to the last paragraph, that might be interesting, maybe, but better, skip it all, this one´s meaningless****

I had planned to write this one last night but my internet was like crazy and it just didn´t work. I had plan to make a post of a new story as well but no however I think it´s better this way, it´ll sound less negative -as if- ha. My eyes are so puffy and red! I look horrible. I went to bed last night around seven pm and I was in so much pain, every part of my body hurt, my head was killing me and since it was a friday night I let myself cry to sleep with the help of two very strong pain-killers/sleep pill and even with those it took a good two hours to make me fall asleep. I kept waking up during the night, it hurt too much I guess. It was weird ´cause I wanted someone with me but at the same time I wanted to be all alone, I could´ve used a hug though but I think I would´ve refused to it and with that in mind I had closed myself in my bedroom. I started to pray and it was all worst, not only my body hurt but my mind/soul as well. I wished I could run away somehow but I knew -n know- I can´t.

Now to what happened... I went to the hospital yesterday, something dreadful to me, and though there´s still no answer for the biopsy they took last time, I did get a diagnosis this time and the veredict: well, said the doctor, this is a genetic thing -he didn´t use that word ofc- and there´s not a known reason for it, you´ll be getting pain like this but don´t worry it won´t compromise your life --at that I just wanted to shout "and that´s supposed to be the comfort you´re giving me?? that I won´t frigging die even I feel like wanting to die just for the pain??" but of course I didn´t shout, I didn´t really say a thing... until a few minutes later "is there anything I can do for the pain?" he basically said that I could keep taking pain-killers but at the same time he said that in the end I had to be very careful because that could cause damage to my kidneys... and of course, he kept making emphasis to the part were "my life is not compromised" as if that was such a nice thing when he just said I´ll have to live with pain up to the point where I die from natural causes -of course now I¨m just taking it out on him but it´s not his fault, he was just the messenger --this is in me, in my genes -sigh- I think now, that it´s always been a very nice thing that I´ve never felt the wifey type or the mom-type ´cause I´ve never felt the need -so far- to have kids and that´s an awesome thing I´d hate myself if I had to pass this onto innocent babies of course in a way and Im being me by thinking stupid things when not necessary but still, it makes me think that this might also mean that I´ll be alone -which cant be that bad but still at times everybody wants some company right? but who cares about that now?

Now the thing is that I know why I've spent in pain many months of my life at a time, pains that come as they go, out of nowhere. My family -in their way- were trying to make me feel better but I was angry at everything, at life mostly -and precisely because of the "consolation" of not compromising my life"- so I might have treated them badly at some point, mom specially... she said she was going to call this friend of mine to arrange me going out today or even yesterday night I said no, it´s ok, and she insisted and well... I ended up yelling "I don´t want to see him!!" of course I wanted to see no one and still I dont think I´d want to see no one or more accurate, to be seen.

In a week or so, I have to go back to the hospital again... to the neurologist, he'll make some more tests -mostly to document, this other doc said- but maybe he can help a bit... but yeah... they already know that this thing is cause by genes and no body knows which one or ones and there´s nothing to be done but to handle the pain as best as possible --meaning, sucking it up which to be honest, has been what I´ve done the other times, except for those, now, three times in which it´s been so much that it´s made me lose mobility.

Now, I´ll reveal a secret hahaha nah, not really but in a way, my story, Double Life, it started because of this. A few years ago, instead of my legs it was one of my hands that was in pain that I couldn´t move or touch a single thing. I was always wearing a bandage, not because it helped matters but because that way ppl didn´t hurt me by touching me. So, one lonely day in college behing a building in which I spent pretty much most of my college years there is like a garden. I was seated on one of the tables, my notebooks all over it. I was tired my hand didn´t feel better and so I started to observe my hand as if that´d help and then I laughed thinking that it´d be cool that instead of having to use a bandage because I was in pain, I had to use one because I had powers and that´s how Nichole was born hahaha as soon as my hand got better, like a month later, I started to write and the first scene of that first draft was that afternoon in that table alone with notebooks everywhere at the school. Aaron was the first to appear though and by that time his name wasn´t Aaron... her attitude was the total opposite as well, what DL is today though is nothing similar to what it was when I started -it´s been years since the day I first thought of it. I´d like to think, as I´ve always have, that somehow I´ll manage to turn all the negativity in my life, all that energy to make something worth it -and I guess this is what no body sees, for it is the only bit of me that´s actually positive but no one sees it- so yeah,that´s my attempt because "my life´s not copromised" at all -too bad but as my brother told me the other day --mom told him what I had said (and that was that I was not going to keep living like this if I was not good by this Sunday-yes tomorrow) he told me that even if I tried to cross over to the other side by my means, if it was not my time no matter what I was not going to make it and I might end up making my life worst and that´s something I´d hate... so, I guess I´ll just have to exercise my patience.