I feel bad. I feel freaking bad. I want to cry -not really, more like that salty water is filling my eyes threatening to come out. I´m avoiding it. I fucking cried yesterday.
It was so stupid. My mother was watching this movie, ps I love you, and there are very sad parts and I shed a few tears but then she says that father called her and that it´s very very very likely that either him or my brother get fired after only like a week in that new job. And I´m like "what the hell is wrong with the universe? why do we keep getting our hopes up to then feel down again -more like under ground-
I started to cry. Even though I kept saying myself that I didn´t feel hopeful on that new job of my father I did and for one thing since I´ve been the one paying for gas so that he can get there and if he´s not there anymore I won´t get that money back, one more thing, the stupid money for the stupid house, I´m not paying anymore this month, it´s twice my paycheck. I just can´t and fuck! I already cried my eyes out about it yet I keep crying. I told father about it, looking for help -naive of me- and he just made me feel that I had the solutions in my hand and it was like if I was the one that didn´t want to take any actions. He made me feel that it all depended on me. Heck no! there´s nothing I can do, so, what ever, let that to lose and though I´m saying it a part of me doesn´t feel it.
I cried for that father of mine that has broken me so bad and keeps stabbing me with those words he says. I cried because it all seems to go wrong for him. I think that God is making him feel what we, mother and brother and me, felt when he abandonned us and at the time when I was hurting for what he did and for what he was doing to us at that time I would´ve felt a little better knowing that karma would set balance but now, it just hurts me because it totally affects me that things go bad for him, geez, it´s not fair. If we, the ones that got hurt, have forgave him then God, life and karma should do it too and either take him to somewhere else or give him another chance. Come on!
I think I´ve become disorganized and well I don´t know why I didn´t see it on my agenda but I had to have finished some things for work for yesterday and I had nothing -so far I still haven´t finished- I stayed awake for the most part of the night and today I had to go to work -when saturdays are usually off- and the meeting was so long, from 8 to 1, it was so exhausting and from my point of view not that much productive. I was hungry and during the ten minute break I felt a sharp pain on the right heel ... now I´m limping to walk because it hurts so much and that´s the worse, not being able to walk normally or having this periods of walking with a limp have always been the worst for me, it totally brings me down. I need to walk, I have to walk all the time while working. This need to get better...
I feel so bad.
No comments:
Post a Comment