I´ve just taken a shower and throughout this week I´ve been imagining that I´m taking a shower as Japanese people do 0_0 what? well you see in anime -specially those who show naked anime girls and their underwear all the time, n I´ve just realized I´ve never seen an anime boy showering that way- well, the thing is you see them sitting naked, their back to us, sitting on a stool, sponge in hand washing their body, well that´s how I´ve been showering, sitting on a stool -now as low at those though- why?? simply because I can´t stand on my own. I´ve been sick to the point where I can´t walk. I have bruisings that prevent me from sitting normally -yeah, I´m talking of that part of my body so? ¬¬- and that´s ´cause for a week now, I´ve gotten shots for the pain which is ironic because they´ve caused pain somewhere else, less, yeah, but pain anyways.
Geez, I don´t even know how am I going to go to work tomorrow!
I had a dream last night, in my dream I got the answer of the test I had done yesterday and it all was negative but there was one diagnosis that for some reason I couldn´t read and I somehow knew it was bad. I´m sure that it´s ´cause I´m scared of what might be the cause of me getting sick like this. The doctor even said the symptoms made him think of lupus (which I haven´t even want to look information about). One thing he said it was almost sure, he went all over my medical history, and that is that I might not be able to bear children. what? that´s a good news right? you´ve always say you don´t want to ever have children, you even said you´d wish you could get done that surgery that prevents women from getting pregnant. Well, yeah, that was me but one thing is to decide that I don´t want children and even saying I´m going to get surgery for that and other is to not be able to. I don´t like not being able but that´s probably just some kind of weird pride/stereotype thing idk because it´s not so bad after all but it seems that it´s made some kind of impact in me. Hey, so much for that friend of mine who dreamed of me carrying said friend´s child -ofc such thing is impossible but that´s one thing that I´ve been thinking lately -but just b/c of what the doctor said. I still don´t want to ever have children though.
One other thing that I´ve been thinking -mostly today- is that I´d like to start a vlog, maybe ´cause I´ve been seeing this guy, Pablo, super funny (pablovlogs is his channel, he has another in English as well) and I´m like, I´d like to make vlogs -well I thought that when I started to see Josh Sundquist channel, and JennaAnne channel and the BBB chanel and ok, everytime I start watching a new channel and find it interesting I get that feeling of wanting one as well- but then I thought in my friends, what if they see the videos and well, what if I´m inhibited infront of a camera as oposed to me being shy as I am in real life -well, who cares? I thought, if they´re my friends they must know I´m crazy and then I thought that people from work might see them and that would be no good at all so, that was the end of the having a vlog idea -which I think has been the reason for me not starting one after all this time -´cause I do have a youtube account.
Have you ever had to hold a bag of ice before? do you know that sensation you get when you hold the ice for too long, it´s cold but somehow it burns and hurts? well that´s how my legs feel right now. Have you ever felt that strange feeling when your legs fall asleep -does that term exist in English, I´m just literally translating that from Spanish from how we say it- and then you have to walk and it´s like you have ants going all over your legs but when you stand it hurts? that´s how I feel when I try to walk.
My mother told us a story about my father. I´ve heard it lots of times. My father got a gunshot in his leg,he lost some mobility and strength, the doctors told him he had to use a cane for the rest of his life -he was around 20 at the time, well, around that same time my mother was pregnat w/me and almost at the time I was going to be born, mom says that he threw his cane away -even though doctors said he was going to use it for the rest of his life- because he said he didn´t want his daughter to see him like that. I wish he hadn´t thrown it away for now it seems I need one to walk agh! I do understand what he might have felt when he threw it though, it makes you feel so useless.
I don´t want to go to work tomorrow and not because I don´t want to go, because I do, but because I know everybody will want to know why I didn´t go for a week and then when I tell them "I was sick" they will want to know what I had and I won't want to talk about it and I´ll say little but they´ll be even more curious -I know because it has happened before- and then they´ll start to give me all sorts of "medical" advices that they will want me to accept and do but I´ll be desperate for them to stop talking because without knowing they´ll be making my sadness worse and if I don´t answer them they´ll just look at me with eyes that will tell me they think I´ve been faking it. agh!
I´m so thirsty since yesterday, I´ve been drinking water but it doesn´t seem to quench the thirst -wow that´s a good phrase for a poem or a very angsty story ha!
ah, last night I was talking to one of my bff, she said that at times these things happen because God wants us to get closer to him and to follow his commands/rules -something like that- I was kind of mad at that comment. What can I be doing wrong if the only things I do are go to work and then go back to my home, I don´t even go out if not for that. Wait what? you don´t have social life? pshhh noo. Plus that term didn´t even exist back then when there was no internet or social networks, you never heard before -or at least I never heard before the phrase "I´ve been busy, I have a social life" pshhh anyway, what can I be doing wrong? the only thing that comes to mind is my girlcrush but geez! is that so bad for letting me without the ability to walk? besides I havent said anything to said girl and I´m not planning on doing so either, plus it´s not like I´d act on it, yeah, this time I´ve been more open to saying it but come on! I don´t believe in a God that punish thoughts for if he was like that we´d be all dead by now. Ah! it´s stress over that what have you this way, you might say, well naah! I´m not stressed over that anymore, there´s nothing I can do about it, plus I was much more stressed the first time it happened and I didn´t get this way. Now I just don´t mind about it, in fact I´ve started to believe I´m getting over it so no no.
I just want to walk without help again and go to work and do what I do without pain or illnesses or shot of medicine that burns.
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